It's hard to be a person.

  1. Hard to wake up every day and, while it used to feel like a revelation, a joy, it now feels a little disappointing.
  2. Hard to go to a job where you gain 20 llbs just walking through the door, shoulders slumped, head down, waiting for when you can leave.
  3. Hard to KNOW that you've slipped into a really deep depression but your efforts to pull out of it are fruitless. Your hands, grasping bars that hang miles above the ground, are sweaty and slippery.
    Hard to know you've thought about letting go several times a day.
  4. Hard to know that the thought of not existing doesn't feel sad anymore, just an extension of what you're already doing.
  5. But it's even harder knowing that the days are broken up by good periods of time, a day here and there where you're laughing and happy.
  6. Brief interludes of hope, so beautiful that you can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel.
  7. And THOSE days are the ones that, in contrast, make the rest of them that much harder.
  8. You KNOW you have it in you to be happy. To be yourself again.
  9. It's just not fucking happening.