REALLY VIBRANT HEART SQUEEZES
I keep trying to articulate how these things make me feel and I never fully can.
- 1.When a plane flies by my bedroom window, even though I'm comfy and warm, I no longer feel happy. I want to be on that plane and I don't even know where it's going.
- 2.I can't bring myself to throw my contact lenses away every month. This started because I lost someone I loved looking at very much. And I couldn't stop thinking about how, if I threw the lenses away, I was throwing away the eyes that saw them last. Now, I keep them in this jar of solution.
- 3.Every time I watch FRIENDS, I feel enveloped in happiness. My Dad and I watched this show together growing up. The theme song would come on and he'd grab me and we'd dance. Even though I mostly watch it alone now, it makes me feel like I have a piece of my childhood with me.
- 4.Holidays make me melancholy. Especially Christmas. You spend all month building up to this one day that's ends fast and the magic disappears so quickly. I've never been very good at holding pretty fleeting things in my hands. I close my fists too tightly, trying to keep them there.
- 5.My best friend is great for many huge + important reasons but my favorite things about her are the lovely small stuff that she does for me. Like how she makes me oatmeal with water instead of milk without me having to ask because she remembers that I'm lactose intolerant.We've been friends for years and our relationships is so intricately sewn together with tiny details that we collect along the way. I think about all of those tiny details and it makes me think about being a kid on the beach, picking up shells and putting them into a jar at home. The bits of sand that stay inside of them or coats them.
- 6.I love going to Sephora or Ulta and buying expensive and high quality products, but I get a weird kind of pleasure from grabbing makeup at grocery stores. Seeing a tube of Revlon lipstick in the basket reminds me of being a teenager and sneaking stuff into my parents cart because I was poor and wanted to be pretty.To this day, one of my favorite lipsticks is actually a Revlon and I get compliments on it regularly.
- 7.It started snowing while I was driving home the other day. As it began to come down a little harder, I had Hallucinate by Oliver Riot playing in the background and it felt like I was dreaming the whole thing up. Ethereal beyond belief.
- 8.I love grabbing gas station coffee. Something about the floresant lighting and the old fashioned coffee pots makes me feel like I'm in a different place altogether.*cough* an apocalyptic world *cough*
- 9.I never have enough time for anyone anymore and my days off are often crammed from beginning to end as a result. Every now and then, one of the things that makes me happiest is canceling last minute and staying in bed all day with a book and coffee.
- 10.Recently, I woke up and realized that the worst part of the heartache is over. It took half a year of suffering but I persisted and the pride that I feel towards myself for going on despite the hurt is indescribable.
- 11.A million trillion things just like this. Little things so intimate and special that I just tried to put some of them into words and it still doesn't feel quite right. I know a lot of life is ugly. But I think even those things are worth it. It's all so worth it.