THE PROBLEM WITH BEING PRETTY

I've started and deleted this list over and over again basically since I made my account. I was afraid of how many people would misinterpret what I have to say as vanity, but I think I officially no longer care.
  1. Growing up, I was an ugly kid. This isn't a criticism of myself, most of us WERE ugly.
    You think Charizard WANTED to start off as Charmander? Hello. Evolution is a thing.
  2. My dad used to pull me onto his lap and hug me and tell me that I was just a late bloomer and that one day it would all be different.
  3. I became "pretty" out of nowhere. It was like I went to bed one night with a mouthful of braces and woke up with a hair straightener and a makeup compact.
    And I should also mention that it hasn't really been until the last four years or so that I've gotten much attention.
  4. I don't like admitting that I know I'm pretty. The idea of promoting ones self as beautiful feels self serving and honestly just plain nauseating.
  5. But there it is anyway. I'm pretty and I'm thin and I'm lucky for both of those things, I know that.
  6. Maybe if being attractive were all that I cared about, that would be enough for me.
  7. And I mean, I like FEELING pretty. I do. I have fun with makeup and hair and fashion.
  8. It's just that the problem with this-the problem with being pretty-is that nobody wants to go beyond that.
  9. And so...
  10. Guys to have sex with me, yes, but few rarely want to get to know me.
    Being desirable is a lot lonelier than it sounds, trust me.
  11. I have trouble making female friends because girls have been taught that other girls are a threat (the prize in this competition being a guy?? eh??????)
    ?????????????????????????????
  12. I'm never left alone in public. Ever.
    Even if I have a book or headphones in, someone has to come and talk to me. And I'm not a bitch, I am occasionally flattered by this. Except for the fact that 80% of the time I'm being harassed and cat-called. Or honestly, sometimes I want to be left alone.
  13. But the worst part- the worst worst WORST part- is that nobody expects anything from me.
    My looks are valued above my other qualities. My love of books, knowledge, my taste in music and movies and my ability to find the best spots in whatever city I travel to. My adventurous spirit, my stubborn heart that won't quit on anyone or anything. These are ALL considered backups to my face.
  14. For example, I was out at dinner with my family. The conversation of my future came up and everybody tossed around ideas of what I should go back to school for.
  15. And my brother suggested I be a bar promoter because "well, all they have to do is look nice and I mean Celine is good at that."
  16. I laughed it off because I know he didn't mean it to be hurtful. It's just I get that kind of statement often.
  17. I'm not sure how to end this, except maybe by saying that I wish the pressure to be perfect didn't exist.
  18. And that I wish we as a society valued different things because I'm really fucking scared about what's going to happen to me when I'm older and no longer considered "valuable".
  19. Also that I'm not sure who I even am anymore.
    But it has to be more than this. I have to be more than pretty.