Ways That My New Office Job Has Ruined Me

I now work 8-4:30, which means I have to be up at 5, which means
  1. I'm tired and ready for legit bedtime at 7pm
  2. I have to workout after work, instead of before
    WHICH SUCKS OK BECAUSE EVERYONE IS THERE AND I DONT GET TO USE THE MACHINES I WANT AND I HAVE TO TAKE MY MAKEUP OFF SO IF I HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE AFTER I HAVE TO REDO IT OR LOOK LIKE SHIT I AM LIVID
  3. I seriously, genuinely, absolutely need coffee to survive
    How dare my job ruin my love for coffee, for the taste, for the GRIND. I WILL DRINK ANYTHING NOW, I WILL DOWN A CUP OF TIM HORTONS COFFEE I WILL DO IT
  4. My eyes are no longer eyes
    Because computer screens and fluorescents will do that to you
  5. I don't really want to do things with people anymore, because working 8 hours and then sitting in traffic for an hour and thennnn going to the gym for an hour after is kinda enough. Which means...
  6. I'm going to be alone forever.
    No energy to kiss guys.