Why I'm Growing Apart From My Best Friend

  1. Because I am no longer the person that she met when we first became friends.
  2. And I can't go back to being that person, no matter how much she wants me to or how quickly that would save our friendship.
  3. She doesn't understand that life has kicked the shit out of me in the past few years
  4. While I used to be a fighter, used to kick back, at some point the things that were happening to me were too awful and unsurpassable.
  5. And I stopped getting back up. I stayed down and took it.
  6. I became the kind of depressed that isn't understandable to anybody who hasn't had a similar level of depression.
  7. She doesn't want to listen to me talk about the things that upset me, and when I even scratch the surface, give her one small reason that I am the way that I am, it becomes this twisted sort of burden to her. She acts like I'm ruining her life by opening my mouth and she shuts down.
  8. She can handle me being sad, if it's a level 2 out of 10 sadness. She will buy me flowers and a magazine and give me a hug and tell me she loves me and that things will be OK. She doesn't get that I lied to her. That I am not a level 2 out of 10, I am a level 2000 out of 10.
  9. I know that she wants me to snap out of things. Or at the very least make these huge leaps of progress in a short period of time. So she can pat herself on the back and accredit herself in some way for my getting better.
  10. In her mind, things would be better if I could just morph myself into the perfect playmate. A same-same but different "her".
    We could go on double dates with our ultra successful boyfriends, talk about our jobs, plan out our futures.
  11. When in fact, part of the reason why I am so bitter is that I am already constantly comparing myself to her.
  12. Because I am two years older than her and yet I am about 20 years behind her, progress wise.
  13. I don't have a career, I have a job. I don't have a boyfriend, I have men that actively run in the opposite direction from me. I don't have huge groups of friends, I have a select number of surface friends, including her now. I am alone, 85% of the time.
  14. And if it upsets her, if it drives her crazy to hear me complain about these things over and over and over again, imagine being me and having to exist in my body and listen to my own brain 100% of the time.
  15. Imagine how crazy I fucking feel.
  16. Imagine how lost and upset and PATHETIC I feel, having to be me, in an ocean of people like her.
  17. And so, we grow apart. Because while I am trying my best to grow together, to accept her for where she's at despite the fact that I don't agree with a lot of her choices… She will never do the same for me.