Requested by Jack Waz

THE STORY OF "LAND MONSTER"

A fairytale for my baby cousin @Waz
  1. Twas a balmy summer night in the Doyle
  2. A college-age party for my very best Noil. Her Pa said "no parties, laying low should suffice"
  3. So we waited, then drank some, and tarted up nice.
  4. Entered one guest, then two, then three, four and five
  5. They danced some, got sloshy, wondered "is J dog alive?"
  6. I gulped down red vino. Like, chugged down the bottle. It made me feel sultry, like a booze-soaked top model.
  7. A quick background setup, if I may interject: the guests were old classmates from kinder through 6th, kids I had not seen since before I got fit. A stint in Brazil, in the Amazon jungle made me slutty, more arrogant, fully un-humble.
  8. I welcomed the chance to show off my skills, spoke Portuguese, samba'd and recounted thrills of the hells angel I'd bedded whilst sailing the seas of the Amazon river, how I got so much D.
  9. The night progressed nicely, good chats and some hugs
  10. Then the "smart kid" rolled up, briefcase full o' drugs.
  11. We ooh-ed and we ahh-ed, and we rolled up some doobs. Ate snacks, laughed a lot; Lauren showed us her boobs.
  12. And then the shit hit me, i went downhill, brother
  13. The wine spun me one way, the ganja the other. I lost focus quick, that mixture of vices
  14. I had to drink water, at least 10 cubes of ices. I got me a tall glass and filled it with haste, set off for a bathroom - in my mouth vomit I did taste.
  15. The one party rule: dad's room is off limits. "But I'm surely exempt, I'll be brief just two minutes."
  16. What henceforth ensued is no laughing matter, I raped that poor toilet, a splish here; a splatter.
  17. I booted and tooted and unzipped my skirt.
  18. I bare-butted bawled, for my everything hurt.
  19. My legs wrapped 'round the base of the throne, the ass part: my headrest. Oh, the ups I had thrown!
  20. I fell asleep once? Twice? 10 minutes max? 4 HOURS you gross whore, and you broke a fucking glass.
  21. My chach full of glass shards, hair knotted with bile, i caught a glimpse of my person
  22. Dear God I was vile. I thought it'd be cute to glue on fake lashes, but they turned on me and caused one eyelid red rashes.
  23. The other fake hair, spanning cheekbone to brow, was vertical and plastered my eye closed somehow.
  24. I scared myself with my own goddamned face. I threw back my head, a reflection stronger than mace. With my skirt still askew and unzipped in the back, the cold tile floor was introduced to my crack.
  25. "I gotta go" I feebly mumbled. I crawled on all fours, I crawled down the hall.
  26. And so on, to Meg's room, and drunkenly grumbled:
  27. "Hey! I need water." I demanded she hurry.
  28. Threw open her door to find 4 feet a flurry of activity under those covers. That red satin bedspread, stained, sticky from lovers.
  29. The pair doth regarded this thing at their door.
  30. "Holy fucking shit it's a land monster!"