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  1. A Ford Carr
  2. Inexplicably expensive cheese
  3. Vomit from my guts
8 more...
The only list worth anything in the 21st century. This is terrible.
  1. 🙃
    Upside down smiley man is a very strong choice to use when you're running low on fucks but still need to remain polite in your work group on Whatsapp.
  2. 🐣
    Sarcastic little birdie is a good option if you need time to think up a good come back to Clive better than 'Stop being a 🍆 Clive.'
  3. 💃🏽
    Do you like dancing? Everyone likes dancing. The dancing lady has flamencoed her way right into this list.
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A list of things I'd say to evil bad people if I wasn't a massive coward
  1. Uppity Fuckhouser
  2. Sweaty Sheep Diddler
  3. Anakin Skywalker Apologist
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My life hasn't been that crazy. I was brought up in the North East of Scotland which is about as dangerous as walking along a zebra crossing at 4am. Every so often however I end up in situations that have left me near the end of my mortal coil. Here they are.
  1. Rock climbing in St Andrews with no rope, no supervision and no idea how to scale cliffs
    This was pretty silly. I was 15 and on holiday with a school friend at a glamorous cavern park. After trying to take a short cut back to the site we found ourselves stuck halfway up a crumbling sandstone cliff. When the rock began to break up under my grip I panicked and tried to quickly scramble up steep hillside. Not only did I blind myself with debris I also lost all my footing and rolled back down the hill straight into a massive pile of sand. DAMAGE- broken thumb & ego.
  2. Car Crash
    I was getting a lift home from a friend after a night out. The roads weren't in the best shape and there may have been excess speed involved. We hit a pothole and crashed into a tree. Before this I was under the impression trees were soft and easy to break. I was very wrong. Trees are tough and will break you before breaking. Because I'm a moron I wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Dash boards beat bone every time. DAMAGE- concussion, cracked rib & punctured lung. 2 weeks in hospital.
  3. The Stabbing
    This is the closest I've come to death. I was outside Burger King at 330am enjoying a chicken something. A passer by threw a racist slur at my friend and I tried to break up the ensuing fight. This was a mistake. I was dragged to the ground, booted in the skull 5-6 times then slashed on the face and neck with a sharpened nail before it was plunged into my eye. The worst part was the phone call my mum got later on that day. DAMAGE- Face scars, 1 month of blindness, head trauma, sad parents.
Life is scary, stay afraid.
  1. 1.
    Walk across your corridor with the lights out while avoiding the knife-hand monsters who wait in the dark.
  2. 2.
    Watch the news for more than five minutes.
  3. 3.
    Engage in conversation with a stranger on public transport.
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