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- •A Ford Carr
- •Inexplicably expensive cheese
- •Vomit from my guts
The only list worth anything in the 21st century. This is terrible.
- •🙃Upside down smiley man is a very strong choice to use when you're running low on fucks but still need to remain polite in your work group on Whatsapp.
- •🐣Sarcastic little birdie is a good option if you need time to think up a good come back to Clive better than 'Stop being a 🍆 Clive.'
- •💃🏽Do you like dancing? Everyone likes dancing. The dancing lady has flamencoed her way right into this list.
A list of things I'd say to evil bad people if I wasn't a massive coward
- •Uppity Fuckhouser
- •Sweaty Sheep Diddler
- •Anakin Skywalker Apologist
My life hasn't been that crazy. I was brought up in the North East of Scotland which is about as dangerous as walking along a zebra crossing at 4am. Every so often however I end up in situations that have left me near the end of my mortal coil. Here they are.
- •Rock climbing in St Andrews with no rope, no supervision and no idea how to scale cliffsThis was pretty silly. I was 15 and on holiday with a school friend at a glamorous cavern park. After trying to take a short cut back to the site we found ourselves stuck halfway up a crumbling sandstone cliff. When the rock began to break up under my grip I panicked and tried to quickly scramble up steep hillside. Not only did I blind myself with debris I also lost all my footing and rolled back down the hill straight into a massive pile of sand. DAMAGE- broken thumb & ego.
- •Car CrashI was getting a lift home from a friend after a night out. The roads weren't in the best shape and there may have been excess speed involved. We hit a pothole and crashed into a tree. Before this I was under the impression trees were soft and easy to break. I was very wrong. Trees are tough and will break you before breaking. Because I'm a moron I wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Dash boards beat bone every time. DAMAGE- concussion, cracked rib & punctured lung. 2 weeks in hospital.
- •The StabbingThis is the closest I've come to death. I was outside Burger King at 330am enjoying a chicken something. A passer by threw a racist slur at my friend and I tried to break up the ensuing fight. This was a mistake. I was dragged to the ground, booted in the skull 5-6 times then slashed on the face and neck with a sharpened nail before it was plunged into my eye. The worst part was the phone call my mum got later on that day. DAMAGE- Face scars, 1 month of blindness, head trauma, sad parents.
Life is scary, stay afraid.
- 1.Walk across your corridor with the lights out while avoiding the knife-hand monsters who wait in the dark.
- 2.Watch the news for more than five minutes.
- 3.Engage in conversation with a stranger on public transport.