Sunglasses I Own (and Who I Am* When I Wear Them)

  1. It should be noted that I was a Soviet spy in a past life. It's the only rational explanation for the number of sunglasses and trench coats in my closet.
  2. (Karen Walker) I'm hard and soft in just the right proportions. Don't fuck with me in the board room, but children love me. Horses eat out of my hand.
  3. (Wildfox) I make vintage dresses seem charming rather than try-hard. My linen napkins are monogrammed.
  4. (76 gas station) My beach hair is effortless and I can wear tank tops without a bra.
  5. (Prada) This isn't my first time on a mega yacht, but I prefer reasonably-sized sailboats. They're quieter and more environmentally friendly.
  6. (Oliver Peoples) No one bats an eye when I walk backstage without a pass, purely based on my confidence.
  7. (party favor) I make the best margaritas, even if I'm hung over.
  8. (Marc by Marc Jacobs) When I get mistaken for a Brentwood high schooler, I laugh modestly and share my homemade skincare secrets.
  9. (Mom's from the '70s) I'm an assistant professor whose first book of poetry is coming out this fall.
  10. (2015) I'm late to a costume party and want to wear my new, sexy black dress
  11. (Stella McCartney) I'm an adorable mess who gets the guy in the end.
  12. (flea market) I'm dangerously young.
  13. (Ralph Lauren) I'll read your script, but only because I think you're cute.