All the qualities I need in a man who doesn't exist.
  1. Good-looking
  2. But not more good-looking than me.
  3. Actually slightly more good-looking than me.
    But not the kind of good-looking where people would look at us in public and assume that he accidentally got me pregnant once when he was drunk.
  4. Great sense of humor.
    But I should be able to out-wit him when we're having a whimsical conversation about Donald Trump.
  5. Speaking of the Donald....
    He can't vote for Donald Trump. No brainer (talking about the bullet point AND Trump).
  6. Always offers to be DD.
    I'm not an alcoholic, I just really hate driving.
  7. Willing to sleep in a trundle bed next to my real bed.
    Personal space is real.
  8. Watches "The Bachelor."
    Preferably has enough knowledge and understanding to join my Bachelor Bracket.
  9. Does not wear man bracelets.
    I don't really think I need to explain this one. Sorry Johnny Depp.
  10. Does not own a fedora.
    Fedoras should be strictly reserved for contestants on "Chopped Junior."
  11. Understands my rigorous weekly TV watching schedule.
  12. Pizza.
    I don't know what specifically about pizza, but I know it should be involved somehow.
  13. Wears smaller jeans than me.
    I want to be able to break him in half with my own bare hands.
  14. Alive.
    He should not be dead. Although I'd be willing to reconsider for a very sexy ghost.