THE STORY OF MY TWO DATES WITH A HOMELESS WOMAN

Another story that I once said I wouldn't share on list: TITLES OF MY [HORROR] DATE STORIES LOVED BY FRIENDS
  1. The first date ended abruptly. I ended it nearly twenty minutes after its start. This is because I was, by a large margin, the crazier person on the date.
    We met at a coffee shop. Note: I don't drink coffee. Therefore, I was enjoying a rich hot chocolate beverage during our initial Qs & As. As normal with me, I was fidgety during this date. Playing with the lid and cup to exhaust some of my nervous energy. When I went for *one last gulp* of my delicious hot cocoa (where the bottom of the cup usually has the bulk remnants of chocolate), I didn't properly secure its lid. The result was a total SHIRT FRONT SHAT. I quit the date 2 minutes later.
  2. Some may say her largest flaw was wanting a second date with yours truly. But because all the negative attention from Date One was on me, it wasn’t until later that I looked back and realized the warning signs I had overlooked.
    We had met during my second tour of duty on Match Dot Com. One of her first questions: Why are you on match? Me: to meet someone, you? Her: I'm on it to get kids and get married. My thought: I don't even know this person's last name. She asked me almost exclusively about my job, my career goals, my condo (that I had just bought). But I'm not saying she's a gold digger.
  3. At no point during this brief, two part courtship, was I under the impression that the woman was homeless.
    The homeless conclusion was arrived by the group of friends lucky enough to first hear this story. Although I don't remain fully convinced (I'm prone to have incorrect first impressions and too trusting of others), they used three key pieces to form their theory.
  4. Exhibit A: Her wardrobe
    Are you familiar with those bulky hooded sweatshirts that are single color plain and generic font spelling a vacation destination? Like "ASPEN" or "LAKE TAHOE?" She wore one of those to the first date that said "CAYMAN ISLANDS." Now, you may not think that's a good wardrobe choice for a first date - but what about *the first two dates?* Yea, she wore a huge sweatshirt from a tropical area on consecutive dates. To quote my friend James, "that's her going out sweatshirt."
  5. Exhibit B: Her venue selection for Date Two
    Because I was an incompetent child with a drinking problem during Date One, I let her choose the location for Date Two. She chose a Chinese Food Buffet. I was so stupidly happy to have gotten a second chance with her that I didn't realize how odd of a choice it was. And when she showed up at the place wearing the same CAYMAN ISLANDS sweatshirt, even yours truly could tell I had made a huge mistake.
  6. Exhibit C: Her purse’s contents
    I tried to end the date quickly again. Unfortunately, I had played the SHIRT FRONT SHAT card already with her. At the end of the date she took out plastic ziplock bags from her purse and filled them up from her plate fresh from a return trip to the buffet. She ate like it was her last meal and left with as much food that an Outlet Mall Vera Bradley bag purse could handle. I didn't try to contact her again for a 3rd date.