BEST SECTIONS FROM "THE GRUMPY OLD GIT'S GUIDE TO LIFE" BY GEOFF TIBBALLS

I came across this book in the Glencoe Visitor Centre gift shop and just had to buy it. This book gets the secret curmudgeonly me even though I'm not really geriatric or a "git" (I hope?) Alas, I forgot it in the seat pocket on my flight home 😢.
  1. Do you have an app to make you shut up?
    No, really. Is there?
  2. It's not just a TV remote: It's a window into my very soul
    The day I can share *everything* I watch with another person and not be embarrassed is the day I've found my BFF ( @ohsteph ) or my one true love.
  3. It might only be a cramp but I'm still dying.
    Take me seriously, doctor!!! I spend more time ignoring what are probably warning signs of bad things, so when I'm concerned I'm *really* concerned. I've thought I had a DVT at least 4 times.
  4. The hills are alive with the sound of distorted bass
    Regarding young whipper snappers that crank up the volume in their cars until all their car door panels rattle. It does not enhance the sound of your crap music. Stop.
  5. Are you just making up words now?
    I get sad when the dictionary adds popular culture words I think are stupid.
  6. A mystery prize? No thanks, I'd rather mail my head to a door.
    It's a trap!
  7. Does 'valued customer' just mean you think you can screw more money out of me?
    I'm always verrrrrry suspicious...
  8. Have you got five items or less in your brain?
    Regarding the very slow cashier
  9. Why on earth would I want advice from you?
    Ha! No, really. Keep your unsolicited advice, thanks.
  10. Why do I need a degree in plumbing to turn on a tap?
    Especially in today's fancy showers! It's just a bunch of shiny knobs and vague symbols. I either burn myself or got an ice cold spray in the face. Whyyyyy?
  11. But why can't you put children in the luggage hold?
    So wrong, I know.
  12. Everything would be fine if you'd just stop fawning over me.
    Regarding overly eager/present waiters
  13. Hey fatso, what do you mean I'm not politically correct?
    Also, so wrong. I know.
  14. Do I look like I need a 50-litre bucket of popcorn?
    I mean, seriously. If you're going to charge me that much, then make it fresh or sell me a Chicago style caramel and cheddar mix.
  15. Also, this cover: