I don’t go to the theater much anymore. It’s just too hard, because other people make it hard. Even if there’s only one other person there, it’s sure to be a moron: probably a loud one. Why can’t everyone just not be obnoxious? Perhaps if all those assholes out there would follow this very wise set of rules, theater going wouldn’t be a challenge.
  1. 1.
    Rule #1. Shut Up.
    Unless the person next to you is on fire, and you can’t put out that fire quickly and–most importantly–quietly, then…shut up.
  2. 2.
    Rule #2. For the Love of God, Open Your Candy Before the Movie Starts
    During the first few silent minutes of Gravity, when I’m meant to feel as if I’m floating through a tranquil sea of empty space, gazing at a view of Earth a select few people will ever see, I do NOT need to hear you struggling to open your Goobers.
  3. 3.
    Rule #3. Don’t Be Late
    If I owned a theater, the doors would lock at precisely the start time of the movie. No one gets in, no one gets out.
  4. 4.
    Rule #4. We Have the Right To Break Your Phone
    If you pull your phone out for any reason during the movie, the people around you are allowed to smash it.
  5. 5.
    Rule #5. Stagger Seating
    If you’ve never heard of the “men’s urinal rules,” a short description is this: don’t use the empty urinal next to another man unless there’s no other option. This should be applied in the theater as well. A completely empty theater means you don’t have to sit directly behind me. I don’t want any part of your inane pre-movie discussions or your popcorn farts. Scooch.