I don’t go to the theater much anymore. It’s just too hard, because other people make it hard. Even if there’s only one other person there, it’s sure to be a moron: probably a loud one. Why can’t everyone just not be obnoxious? Perhaps if all those assholes out there would follow this very wise set of rules, theater going wouldn’t be a challenge.
  1. Rule #1. Shut Up.
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    Unless the person next to you is on fire, and you can’t put out that fire quickly and–most importantly–quietly, then…shut up.
  2. Rule #2. For the Love of God, Open Your Candy Before the Movie Starts
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    During the first few silent minutes of Gravity, when I’m meant to feel as if I’m floating through a tranquil sea of empty space, gazing at a view of Earth a select few people will ever see, I do NOT need to hear you struggling to open your Goobers.
  3. Rule #3. Don’t Be Late
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    If I owned a theater, the doors would lock at precisely the start time of the movie. No one gets in, no one gets out.
  4. Rule #4. We Have the Right To Break Your Phone
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    If you pull your phone out for any reason during the movie, the people around you are allowed to smash it.
  5. Rule #5. Stagger Seating
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    If you’ve never heard of the “men’s urinal rules,” a short description is this: don’t use the empty urinal next to another man unless there’s no other option. This should be applied in the theater as well. A completely empty theater means you don’t have to sit directly behind me. I don’t want any part of your inane pre-movie discussions or your popcorn farts. Scooch.