If you're looking for a comprehensive list of New York City's hottest clubs, look no further...
  1. Jelly Bones
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    You'll be treated to a glass of champagne...or is it piss?
  2. ***HISSSSSS***
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    It's the one in an abandoned whitefish factory in Little Israel
  3. Maaaary
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    This place has EVERYTHING: Charts, graphs, Powerpoint, a guy who still thinks Jamba Juice is good for you.
  4. Your Mother and I Are Separating
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    Come for the sensible nurse shoes, stay for the sounds of Donald Duck having a nightmare.
  5. Selfie
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    "If you're looking to get hurt and go completely insane, I've got just the place for you." Location: a haunted diaper.
  6. Whimsy
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    Location: A wet band-aid in a jacuzzi?
  7. Jan's New Backpack
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    Here they have asbestos AND lupus!
  8. Baaaaaaa-banka-banka-banka
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    Location: Where Donald Trump Jr's chin should have been.
  9. Booooooooof
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    Location: an abandoned orphanage in the Lower-East side of Chelsea. An around-the-clock puke party.
  10. Hudacocio!!!
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    Check out the Jewpids before you leave. (Jewish Cupids.)
  11. Crease
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    It sounds like creator Tranny Oakley really went all out!
  12. Wesh
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    Finally the answer to the question: Whaat?!!
  13. Twice
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    If there's a rabbi who looks like Joaquin Phoenix at the door, you're in the right place.
  14. Uuuuuuuunnnnngh
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    If you're lucky you can meet Stefon's best friend, 2-year-old ultimate fighter Drooly Lips Jackson
  15. Spicy
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    Check it out if you're looking for a place to relax with an old lady. It's opening in 2017.
  16. Mmmmm Hmmmm
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    Is that Kate Moss? Or a Pakistani family who cuts in line at Universal Studios?
  17. ***Qucccccccck***
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    Location: a haunted synagogue
  18. Ounce
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    Location: the middle of the East River.
  19. Oooonce
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    A Lower Lower East Side dump from Tranderson Cooper.
  20. Blitzen
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    Come for the 12 Days of Christmas dance party: 12 jacked albinos, 11 Little Richards, 10 piercer babies, 9 Asian Balkis, 8 gay Aladdins, 7 psychos swearing, 6 Puerto screechers, 5 homeless Elmos. 4 coked up frogs, 3 French hens, Taylor Negron, and a human parking cone.
  21. Trash
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    This place has EVERYTHING: Clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone.
  22. Gush
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    That's not Mick Jagger, it's a fat kid on a slip-n-slide.
  23. Push
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    This is where to find Furkles. Fat Urkles.
  24. Slice
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    Come to see puppets in disguise. Like when Alf wore a trench coat so he could go out into public.
  25. Taste
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    Another question answered: Huh?!!
  26. Slash
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    A party room filled with human bath mats!! (It’s that thing when midgets have dreadlocks, and they lay face down on the floor).
  27. Scampi
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    This place has EVERYTHING: Zip drives, gozers, Ke$ha.
  28. ***Noise like a passing flying car***
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    A special guest appearance by Wario Batalli. Who looks just like his brother but doesn't wear Crocs.
  29. Hello
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    The place has EVERYTHING: Raffis, yeti-cabs – pedicabs driven by yetis – slowpokes, a woman with nowhere to turn.
  30. Thank you
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    Location: inside a crashing blimp.
  31. (Looks around) Kevin?
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    Opened at gun point in a Lady Footlocker
  32. Heyyyy
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    The password is DIABEETUS
  33. Wee Little Baby
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    This place has EVERYTHING: Freckles, potato people, a room full of Heprechauns (Leprechauns with Hep C).
  34. ***Sheep Bleat***
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    Open and condemned in 1904 all proceeds will go to flaccid outreach group Doctors Without Boners.
  35. Pants
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    It has everything: Hopscotch, double dutch, Oogieloves, sling and mesh bladder implants, the table from Charlie Rose.
  36. Bonus: Yaank
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    Renovated by the third Property Brother