If you're looking for a comprehensive list of New York City's hottest clubs, look no further...
  1. Jelly Bones
    You'll be treated to a glass of champagne...or is it piss?
  2. ***HISSSSSS***
    It's the one in an abandoned whitefish factory in Little Israel
  3. Maaaary
    This place has EVERYTHING: Charts, graphs, Powerpoint, a guy who still thinks Jamba Juice is good for you.
  4. Your Mother and I Are Separating
    Come for the sensible nurse shoes, stay for the sounds of Donald Duck having a nightmare.
  5. Selfie
    "If you're looking to get hurt and go completely insane, I've got just the place for you." Location: a haunted diaper.
  6. Whimsy
    Location: A wet band-aid in a jacuzzi?
  7. Jan's New Backpack
    Here they have asbestos AND lupus!
  8. Baaaaaaa-banka-banka-banka
    Location: Where Donald Trump Jr's chin should have been.
  9. Booooooooof
    Location: an abandoned orphanage in the Lower-East side of Chelsea. An around-the-clock puke party.
  10. Hudacocio!!!
    Check out the Jewpids before you leave. (Jewish Cupids.)
  11. Crease
    It sounds like creator Tranny Oakley really went all out!
  12. Wesh
    Finally the answer to the question: Whaat?!!
  13. Twice
    If there's a rabbi who looks like Joaquin Phoenix at the door, you're in the right place.
  14. Uuuuuuuunnnnngh
    If you're lucky you can meet Stefon's best friend, 2-year-old ultimate fighter Drooly Lips Jackson
  15. Spicy
    Check it out if you're looking for a place to relax with an old lady. It's opening in 2017.
  16. Mmmmm Hmmmm
    Is that Kate Moss? Or a Pakistani family who cuts in line at Universal Studios?
  17. ***Qucccccccck***
    Location: a haunted synagogue
  18. Ounce
    Location: the middle of the East River.
  19. Oooonce
    A Lower Lower East Side dump from Tranderson Cooper.
  20. Blitzen
    Come for the 12 Days of Christmas dance party: 12 jacked albinos, 11 Little Richards, 10 piercer babies, 9 Asian Balkis, 8 gay Aladdins, 7 psychos swearing, 6 Puerto screechers, 5 homeless Elmos. 4 coked up frogs, 3 French hens, Taylor Negron, and a human parking cone.
  21. Trash
    This place has EVERYTHING: Clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone.
  22. Gush
    That's not Mick Jagger, it's a fat kid on a slip-n-slide.
  23. Push
    This is where to find Furkles. Fat Urkles.
  24. Slice
    Come to see puppets in disguise. Like when Alf wore a trench coat so he could go out into public.
  25. Taste
    Another question answered: Huh?!!
  26. Slash
    A party room filled with human bath mats!! (It’s that thing when midgets have dreadlocks, and they lay face down on the floor).
  27. Scampi
    This place has EVERYTHING: Zip drives, gozers, Ke$ha.
  28. ***Noise like a passing flying car***
    A special guest appearance by Wario Batalli. Who looks just like his brother but doesn't wear Crocs.
  29. Hello
    The place has EVERYTHING: Raffis, yeti-cabs – pedicabs driven by yetis – slowpokes, a woman with nowhere to turn.
  30. Thank you
    Location: inside a crashing blimp.
  31. (Looks around) Kevin?
    Opened at gun point in a Lady Footlocker
  32. Heyyyy
    The password is DIABEETUS
  33. Wee Little Baby
    This place has EVERYTHING: Freckles, potato people, a room full of Heprechauns (Leprechauns with Hep C).
  34. ***Sheep Bleat***
    Open and condemned in 1904 all proceeds will go to flaccid outreach group Doctors Without Boners.
  35. Pants
    It has everything: Hopscotch, double dutch, Oogieloves, sling and mesh bladder implants, the table from Charlie Rose.
  36. Bonus: Yaank
    Renovated by the third Property Brother