The 99-item cap kind of fucked me on this one, so I had to squish 2-3 gags into the comments sections. Also, why is there not a skateboard emoji?
  1. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
    I will not hang donuts on my person. ☠ I will remember to take my medication.
  2. I will not waste chalk
    I will not strut around like I own the place. ☠ The Good Humor Man can only be pushed so far.
  3. I will not skateboard in the halls
    I do not have power of attorney over first graders. ☠ Nerve gas is not a toy.
  4. I will not burp in class
    This is not a gag...or is it? ☠ I will not complain about the solution when I hear it.
  5. I will not investigate revolution
    I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface. ☠ The first amendment does not cover burping.
  6. I will not draw naked ladies in class
    "Bewitched" does not support Satanism. ☠ No one wants to hear from my armpits.
  7. I did not see Elvis
    I am not a lean mean spitting machine. ☠ Indian burns are not out cultural heritage.
  8. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
    Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things. ☠ I will only do this once a year.
  9. Garlic gum is not funny
    I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist. ☠ I am not certified to remove asbestos.
  10. They are laughing at me, not with me
    I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten. ☠ I am not my long-lost twin.
  11. I will not encourage others to fly
    The truth is not out there. ☠ I am not licensed to do anything.
  12. Tar is not a plaything
    I will not hide teacher's Prozac. ☠ A fire drill does not demand a fire.
  13. I will not Xerox my butt
    I no longer want my MTV. ☠ Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story.
  14. It's "potato" not "potatoe"
    I did not invent Irish dancing. ☠ I will not tease Fatty.
  15. I will not trade pants with others
    There was no Roman god named "Fartacus." ☠ Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer's red nose is not alcohol related.
  16. I am not a 32-year-old woman
    Shooting paintballs is not an art form. ☠ Pain is not the cleanser.
  17. I will not do that thing with my tongue
    Silly String is not a nasal spray. ☠ I was told not to do this.
  18. I will not drive the principal's car
    My butt does not deserve a website. ☠ I will not demand what I'm worth.
  19. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
    I will not mess with the opening credits. ☠ I am not the new Dalai Lama
  20. I will not cut corners
    I was not the inspiration for Kramer. ☠ I will not file frivolous lawsuits.
  21. I will not get very far with this attitude
    The Simpsons Halloween special IX. ☠ "" is not my email address.
  22. I will not make flatulent noises in class
    No one cares what my definition of "is" is. ☠ I will not scream for ice cream.
  23. I will not belch the National Anthem
    I am not a licensed hair stylist. ☠ "The President did it" is not an excuse.
  24. I will not sell land in Florida
    My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld. ☠ Sherri does not "got back."
  25. I will not sell school property
    I will not do the dirty bird. ☠ No one cares about my sciatica.
  26. I will not grease the monkey bars
    Hillbillies are people too. ☠ Grammar is not a time of waste.
  27. I will not hide behind the fifth amendment
    I do not have diplomatic immunity. ☠ It does not suck to be you.
  28. I will not do anything bad ever again
    I cannot absolve sin. ☠ A trained ape could not teach gym.
  29. I will not show off
    Loose teeth don't need my help. ☠ I have neither been there nor done that.
  30. I will not sleep through my education
    I'm so very tired. ☠ Fridays are not "pants optional."
  31. I am not a dentist
    "Pork" is not a verb. ☠ I am not the last Don.
  32. Spitwads are not free speech
    I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize. ☠ I won't not use no double negatives.
  33. Nobody likes sunburn slappers
    I can't see dead people. ☠ I will not sell my kidney on eBay.
  34. High explosives and school don't mix
    I will not create art from dung. ☠ I will stop phoning it in.
  35. I will not bribe Principal Skinner
    Class clown is not a paid position. ☠ Substitute teachers are not scabs.
  36. I will not squeak chalk
    My suspension was not mutual. ☠ A belch is not an oral report.
  37. I will finish what I sta
    Dodgeball stops at the gym door. ☠ Non-flammable is not a challenge.
  38. "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
    I was not touched "there" by an Angel. ☠ I am not here on a fartball scholarship.
  39. I will not fake rabies
    I will not dance on anyone's grave. ☠ I cannot hire a substitute teacher. ☠ I will not fight the future.
  40. Underwear should be worn on the inside
    I will not obey the voices in my head. ☠ I will not plant subliminal messagore.
  41. The Christmas Pageant does not stink
    I will not surprise the incontinent. ☠ I am not the acting President. ☠ Pixel art is not real art.
  42. I will not torment the emotionally frail
    I was not the sixth Beatle. ☠ I will only provide a urine sample when asked. ☠ Snowmen do not have carrot penises.
  43. I will not carve gods
    The nurse is not dealing. ☠ Science class should not end in tragedy.
  44. I will not spank others
    Network TV is not dead. ☠ I will not "let the dogs out." ☠ Reindeer meat does not taste like chicken.
  45. I will not aim for the head
    I will not hide the teacher's medication. ☠ I will not publish the Principal's credit report.
  46. I will not barf unless I'm sick
    The hamster did not have a "full life." ☠ I will not buy a "presidential pardon."
  47. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
    "Temptation Island" was not a piece of crap. ☠ I will not scare the Vice President. ☠ Spoiler alert: Unfortunately my dad doesn't die.
  48. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
    I will not flush evidence. ☠ Fire is not the cleanser. ☠ You can't play April Fools jokes on April 27th.
  49. I will not conduct my own fire drills
    Genetics is not an excuse. ☠ Today is not Mothra's Day. ☠ April showers do not bring Matt Lauers.
  50. Funny noises are not funny
    I should not be twenty-one by now. ☠ Nobody reads these anymore. ☠ My dad's already drunk for St. Patrick's.
  51. I will not spin the turtle
    A burp in a jar is not a science project. ☠ Fun does not have a size. ☠ Of you haven't broken your Christmas presents yet you're not trying.
  52. I will not snap bras
    I am not Charlie Brown on acid. ☠ I do not have a cereal named after me. ☠ Judas Priest is not "death metal."
  53. I will not fake seizures
    I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers. ☠ The Giving Tree is not a chump.
  54. This punishment is not boring and pointless
    Making Milhouse cry is not a science project. ☠ Vampire is not a career choice. ☠ I will not call my teacher "Prancer" or "Vixen.
  55. My name is not "Mr. Death"
    I will never lie about being cancelled again. ☠ Fish do not like coffee. ☠ I will stop asking when Santa goes to the bathroom.
  56. I will not defame New Orleans
    Milhouse did not test cootie positive. ☠ This school does not need a "regime change."
  57. I will not prescribe drugs
    SpongeBob is not a contraceptive. ☠ I will not (destroys chalkboard with axe and runs away).
  58. I will not bury the new kid
    My pen is not a booger launcher. ☠ Sandwiches should not contain sand. ☠ Rocktober is not followed by Blowvember.
  59. I will not teach others to fly
    Over forty & single is not funny. ☠ I will not speculate on how hot my teacher used to be.
  60. I will not bring sheep to class
    Poking a dead raccoon is not research. ☠ Beer in a milk carton is not milk.
  61. A burp is not an answer
    A booger is not a bookmark. ☠ Does any kid still do this anymore? ☠ My school schedule does not include a bye week.
  62. Teacher is not a leper
    I am not smarter than the President. ☠ Teacher was not dumped--it was mutual.
  63. Coffee is not for kids
    I will not laminate dog doo. ☠ I will not flip the classroom upside down. ❤️ We really miss you, Mrs. K.
  64. I will not eat things for money
    I will not leak the plot of the movie. ☠ Je ne parley françes. ☠ All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
  65. I will not yell "she's dead" during roll call
    Have a great summer, everyone. ☠ We are not all naked under our clothes.
  66. The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
    Frankincense is not a monster. ☠ So long, suckers. ☠ 25 years and they can't come up with a new punishment.
  67. I will not call the principal "spud head"
    Global Warming did not eat my homework. ☠ I will not look up how much teacher makes.
  68. Goldfish don't bounce
    Pearls are not oyster barf. ☠ I will not wait 20 years to make another movie. ☠ Jesus's last words were not "TGIF."
  69. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
    The Wall Street Journal is better than ever. ☠ I am not a FDIC-insured bank.
  70. No one is interested in my underwear
    There is no such thing as an iPoddy. ☠ The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens.
  71. I will not sell miracle cures
    The capital of Montana is not "Hannah." ☠ Teacher did not pay too much for her condo.
  72. I will return the seeing-eye dog
    The art teacher is fat, not pregnant. ☠ A person's a person, no matter how Ralph.
  73. I do not have diplomatic immunity
    This punishment is not medieval. ☠ Teacher's diet is working. ☠ I'm sorry I broke the blackboard.
  74. I will not charge admission to the bathroom
    There is not such month as "Rocktober." ☠ I did not see my teacher siphoning gas.
  75. I will never win an Emmy
    Prosperity is just around the corner. ☠ I will not bring the chalkboard home.
  76. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
    Jesus is not mad his birthday is on Christmas. ☠ I will not use permanent ink on the chalkboard.
  77. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
    HDTV is worth every cent. ☠ "March Madness" is not an excuse for missing school.
  78. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
    I will not have fun with educational toys. ☠ Four-leaf clovers are not mutant freaks.
  79. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
    My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds. ☠ I will not mock teacher's outdated cell phone.
  80. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
    I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy. ☠ It's "Facebook," not "Assbook." ☠ I will not tweet as the Principal's toilet.
  81. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
    The class hamster isn't just sleeping. ☠ Chalkboarding is not torture. ☠ I will obey Oscar campaign rules from now on.
  82. I am not delightfully saucy
    I am not allergic to long division. ☠ I do not have the hots for my mom. ☠ I wasn't nominated for Best Spoken Swear Word.
  83. Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
    Halloween does not kick thanksgiving's ass. ☠ Teachers' unions are not ruining this country.
  84. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan"
    The world may end in 2012 but this show won't. ☠ WWII could not beat up WWI.
  85. I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
    Hot dogs are not bookmarks. ☠ This counts as gym and art class. ☠ The teacher did not get fat during the holidays.
  86. There are plenty of businesses like show business
    South Park, we'd stand beside you if we weren't so scared. ☠ Eating my vegetables is not a Mother's Day present.
  87. I will not retransmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
    Batman is not "nothing" without his utility belt. ☠ End of Lost: it was all the dog's dream. Watch us.
  88. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
    When I slept in class it was not to help Leo DiCaprio. ☠ I did not see teacher applying for welfare.
  89. Beans are neither a fruit nor musical
    I must not write all over the walls. ☠ A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is as good as A Charlie Brown Christmas.
  90. I will not use abbrev.
    Candy canes are not elf bones. ☠ January is not Bart History Month. ☠ 20 more shoplifting days till Christmas.
  91. I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr
    Prince is not the son of Martin Luther King. ☠ I will not make fun of Cupid's drink.
  92. I will not send lard through the mail
    I am not here on a Spitball Scholar. ☠ Daylight Savings is not a failed bank. ☠ I want to secede but don't know which state I'm in.
  93. I will not dissect things unless instructed
    I will not ridicule teacher's Final Four bracket. ☠ I do not deserve a Mother's Day gift for being one "badass mother."
  94. I will not whittle bathroom passes out of soap
    Guinea pigs should not be used as "Guinea pigs." ☠ It's "Kristen Schaal" not "Kristen Schall." ☠ I will not concede the election until Karl Rove gives me permission.
  95. Ralph won't "morph" is you squeeze him hard enough
    It's not too early to speculate about the 2016 election. ☠ It's November 6th, how come we're not airing a Halloween show?
  96. Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it ok to insult the principal
    "Caucus" is not a dirty word. ☠ Cafeteria trays are not toboggans. ☠ I will not wear white after Labor Day.
  97. "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
    Tintin did not suck suck. ☠ We DO need no education.
  98. Cursive writing does not mean what I think it means
    There's no proven link between raisins and boogers. ☠ I will not replace a candy heart with a frog's heart.
  99. Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
    The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours. ☠ Call your mother during the commercials.