HARRY POTTER 18 YEARS LATER: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

To get you all prepared for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, I've put together a very thoroughly researched and highly factual update of what all our favorite characters are doing almost two decades after the battle of Hogwarts. (Thanks for the idea, @ktexcelsior)
  1. Harry
    Still an auror (which turned out to be a lot more paperwork and office politics than he imagined) who annoyingly named all his children after dead friends, he continues to do many interviews about You Know Who, where he states he's glad it's all over while secretly wishing Lord V would come back again and save him from his mundane life.
  2. Hermoine
    Divorced Ron because he's a loser and a slob. Is now happily married to George. She is the youngest headmaster Hogwarts has ever had.
  3. Ron
    Sits around in a dirty wife beater regretting not getting a job and holding on to the coolest chick on earth. Throws darts at a picture of George, which has ripped just enough to see through to an old picture of Viktor Krum underneath.
  4. George
    Weasley's Wizard Wheezes is now a global franchise and George has become a beloved politician in the muggle world. Everyone assumes he lost his ear in Afghanistan or something. His ability to unite both political parties people claim "is like magic."
  5. Fred
    Wishing he'd known Lady Milesandre. Do you think she could bring back an owl?
  6. Ginny
    Book Ginny is still married to Harry and is a fellow Auror. Movie Ginny choked on a fish bone. 💀
  7. Hagrid
    Has founded an animal sanctuary. It's wildly successful and he is proud to say the death toll for visitors has been kept to a minimum.
  8. Dean Thomas
    Decided he needed a break from the magical world and left for America to attend law school.
  9. Seamus Finnigan
    Who cares.
  10. Draco Malfoy
    Is working his way up the corporate ladder. All his employees hate their lives.
  11. Molly Weasley
    V. worried about Ron. Still regretting Percy.
  12. Arthur Weasley
    Constantly pestering George about what the purpose behind a podium is.
  13. Neville Longbottom
    A revered scientist/doctor working on magical plant extracts to cure the mentally insane. Was February in the shirtless doctors calendar.
  14. Luna Lovegood
    Minister of Magic. On a very strict supplement routine from her doctor and friend Neville.
  15. Professor McGonagall
    Retired. Not giving a fuck.