SICK SAD WORLD TEASES, RANKED BY HOW LIKELY I WOULD TUNE IN

I feel like this is an appropriate list for the day.
  1. 60.
    "Can you teach an old dog to turn tricks? Ruff! Canine Callgirls next, on Sick, Sad World."
  2. 59.
    "All he wanted, just this once, was to eat at the table. But she had a hankerin' to howl! Shih Tzu? I hardly know you! Next, on Sick, Sad World."
  3. 58.
    "In this canine go-go bar the specialty of the house is hot dog! Lapdancing Lapdogs, next on Sick, Sad World."
  4. 57.
    "The king of the jungle was one tubby tabby... until the animal plastic surgeon came to call. Lipo for Leo, next on Sick, Sad World."
  5. 56.
    "Fish gotta swim, and bird's gotta fly, but not when you bake 'em both in a pie! Sunday Brunch in the Loony Bin next, on Sick, Sad World."
  6. 55.
    "The world's largest nativity scene... in August? Atlanta mall manager Gifford Jones. The savior went down to Georgia, tonight on Sick, Sad World."
  7. 54.
    “He’s risen from the grave… and he still won’t pay child-support! Undead deadbeat dads, next on Sick, Sad World.”
  8. 53.
    "Meet the killer whale... with a license to practice law!? Orca in the Court, tonight on Sick, Sad World."
  9. 52.
    "It'll legal, and tender, but someone's getting short changed. Little cross-dressers and the women who love them, coming up next on Sick, Sad World."
  10. 51.
    "Meet the psychic Nazi hunter who says the Fuhrer's been reincarnated... as a madcap leggy blond! There's something about Hitler, tonight on Sick, Sad World."
  11. 50.
    "Next on Sick, Sad World. Hoax, or vision? Some people in Florida have claimed they've seen the face of Jesus...on a penny!"
  12. 49.
    "A vision of Christ in a half-eaten candy bar? Talk about my sweet lord! The Immaculate Confection, next on Sick, Sad World."
  13. 48.
    "Guano see some gutsy climbing? Scaling the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings, next on Sick, Sad World."
  14. 47.
    "Would you moan my name... if I boinked you in heaven? Ghost Hookers in the Sky, tonight on Sick, Sad World."
  15. 46.
    "When he turned up his nose at accordion lessons, they cut off his inheritance molto allegro. The Severed Pianist, next on Sick, Sad World."
  16. 45.
    "Meet the avant-garde obstetrician that's turned his cast offs into art work. Umbilical cord sculpture next, on Sick, Sad World."
  17. 44.
    "They bake cookies by day, but they really heat up at night. G-string grandmas, today on Sick, Sad World."
  18. 43.
    "Criminals beware. This detective won't talk... but you will! Mime and Punishment, next on Sick, Sad World."
  19. 42.
    "What do those Supreme Court judges wear under their robes? Declassified government polaroids next, on Sick, Sad World."
  20. 41.
    "It's quite a web site when Civil War buffs get in the buff. www.gettysbare, next on Sick, Sad World."
  21. 40.
    "Thomas Jefferson, philosopher, inventor, President, and keeper of one saucy journal! The Declaration of In My Pants, tonight, on Sick, Sad World."
  22. 39.
    "Is your toll collector wearing pants, a skirt, or nothing but a smile? Cold Breeze on the Interstate, next on Sick, Sad World."
  23. 38.
    "They broke into her bedroom… She burst into song!! The inappropriate alto! Tonight on Sick Sad World."
  24. 37.
    "What's more heartless than pilfering a roll of toilet paper? Transforming it into a roll of 20s! The squeezably-soft counterfeiter, next on Sick, Sad World."
  25. 36.
    "It's 911 in the morning and 1-900 in the evening, the phone-sex EMS dispatcher, when Sick, Sad World returns."
  26. 35.
    "Brought back from the grave by black magic, but no one taught them to cross at the green. The Jaywalking Dead, next on Sick, Sad World."
  27. 34.
    "Neonatal Skinheads, next on Sick, Sad World."
  28. 33.
    "Meet the fly-fishing pathologist who uses human organs as bait. A Liver Runs Through it, next on Sick, Sad World."
  29. 32.
    "Is your cutlery holding an edge... or going over one? Diary of a Mad Steak-Knife, tonight on Sick, Sad World."
  30. 31.
    "Why are so many Siamese twins being born in this Bangkok hospital? Babes in Thailand, tonight on Sick, Sad World."
  31. 30.
    "Terror travels... by trike! Underage Road Rage, next on Sick, Sad World."
  32. 29.
    "Is there really a secret underwater train smuggling flounder to freedom? Tonight, on Sick, Sad World."
  33. 28.
    "Her amputee boyfriend was cheating, so she stole his prosthesis, but he kept on hopping into strange beds. The One-Legged Lothario, next on Sick, Sad World."
  34. 27.
    "Death or velvety green? Homicidal houseplants next, on Sick, Sad World."
  35. 26.
    "Are drug-crazed rodents raiding your child's medicine cabinet? Rats on Ritalin, next on Sick, Sad World."
  36. 25.
    "What deadly new diseases can you pick up... by sitting down? Toilet Seat Terror, next on Sick, Sad World."
  37. 24.
    "How shoddy fertility drugs are creating a new breed of gang, and wreaking havoc with police line ups. Delinquent Quintuplets, next on Sick, Sad World."
  38. 23.
    "They gave her a good-bye party at 65...miles per second! Retirement by Rocket, next on Sick, Sad World."
  39. 22.
    "When these ballerinas work out at the bar, they work out at the bar. Tanked in a Tutu, when Sick, Sad World returns."
  40. 21.
    "He gave her his kidney, she gave him her heart. Transplants and romance, when Sick, Sad World continues."
  41. 20.
    "One three ton hubby's not enough for this red-hot mammal. The Polygamous Hippopotamus, when Sick, Sad World returns."
  42. 19.
    "Are bats sneaking into your neighborhood disguised as cute flying squirrels? Rabid Rodent Rip-off, tonight on Sick, Sad World."
  43. 18.
    "The nightmare story of an enchanted kiss gone horribly wrong, when Sick, Sad World returns."
  44. 17.
    "Could a family of ghosts be living in your house, rent free? Freeloading Familial Phantoms, next on Sick, Sad World."
  45. 16.
    "Meet the cannibal with heart; quick, before he eats it! Next, on Sick, Sad World."
  46. 15.
    "Can monkeys surf the net... and corrupt our kids? Chimpanze chatrooms, next on Sick, Sad World."
  47. 14.
    "Tonight on Sick, Sad World; prime-time special, with people just like you, only more pathetic."
  48. 13.
    "Can anger management training really help gorillas avoid extinction? Maybe, but it's not doing much for the psychiatrists! The Apes of Wrath, today on Sick, Sad World."
  49. 12.
    "Monaco's Mopiest Millionaires, today on Sick, Sad World."
  50. 11.
    "Everyone hates a message board miscreant. But now you can do something about it! Flame Wars: The Next Generation, tonight on Sick, Sad World."
  51. 10.
    "Could a steady diet of pet food bring out the animal in you? Got a dog dish full of love, tonight on Sick, Sad World."
  52. 9.
    "Next on Sick, Sad World. The Malibu Primate Diet."
  53. 8.
    "What's that you're really stirring in your tea? Honey, or bee vomit? Animal secretions that make us say yum, tonight, on Sick, Sad World."
  54. 7.
    "Can too many carrots make your head grow leaves? Ah, What's That Doc in one hour, on Sick, Sad World."
  55. 6.
    "Are microbes having sex in your drinking water? H, two, Ah-ooooo! Next, on Sick, Sad World."
  56. 5.
    "Can renegade surgeons transplant your brain while you sleep? The frightening truth, next on Sick, Sad World."
  57. 4.
    "What does your foot odor say about your sexual prowess? Sniffing For Love on the next Sick, Sad World."
  58. 3.
    "Are fish using our oceans as their own private toilet? A Sick, Sad World exclusive, right after this."
  59. 2.
    "What kind of a sicko voyeur would set up a hidden camera in an Intensive Care Unit? The Peekaboo ICU, next on Sick, Sad World."
  60. 1.
    "When aliens eat out, where do they relieve themselves? Extraterrestrial restaurant restrooms, tonight on Sick, Sad World."