LESSONS YOUR BAR MITZVAH TAUGHT YOU

The things that really made you a man
  1. You're now constantly anxious about both the LSATs and the MCATs (even though you're in your 30s and work in tech/show biz/anything else).
  2. Slow dancing to Stairway to Heaven is the single most Jewish tradition that still exists today.
  3. Candle lighting ceremonies are only completed once you have lit a candle for every person you've ever met ever.
  4. Bar Mitzvah DJ's are - on average -more talented than Diplo.
  5. All parties henceforth shall have themes like your Bar Mitzvah. Ex: Baseball, baseball teams, things you use in baseball, Leonard Bernstein musicals.
  6. Accounting, m*therf*cker. Do you speak it?
  7. All these people celebrate you. You are a god. Civilization grovels at your feet and writes 20 dollar checks as tribute. Except for Jonah. He just gives you a hallmark card. Infidel.
  8. You hit your peak at 13.