THE WAYS THAT MY CATS HAVE INSULTED ME TODAY

  1. 5 AM? Are you fucking serious? I fed you at 10 PM. Do you know how many people would be thrilled to sleep with me and stay in bed cuddling till the sun came up?
  2. Sitting in one of the four different windows that I opened for you is not good enough? Now you need to go out for a walk? Do you realize that you're a cat? Fine I took you out for a walk. You're still unhappy? What do you want from me?
  3. I just mashed up your venison and green peas with the dry food that you like. You're not happy? Too close to the water bowl? Too close to the other cat? The wrong temperature? Was it in the fridge too long?
  4. You're right I was out for a few hours with humans. But I'm back now. Play with the stick? Play with the catnip? Do the foot game under the Swedish blanket that cost $300 that you sleep on and scratch the shit out of every night? It's never good enough.
  5. One of you sleeping under the bed and the other is at the end of the bed just out of reach. I'm alone. #cats