💊 If I Was a Disease and You Caught Me, These Would Be Your Symptoms

Inspired by @ShawnKelly
  1. Upper lip sweat almost 24/7 in the summer
  2. Every time you eat popcorn, you'd find some in your bra.
  3. You'd have blisters all over your feet anytime you wear heels
  4. You'd always have cat fur on your black pants.
  5. You'd often have food in your teeth or on your face
  6. You would feel overwhelming anxiety anytime you're running late and pretty much turn into Medusa
  7. You'd be able to rap Nicki Minaj's verses. I'm sure you couldn't sound cool, but you definitely know the words.
  8. You'd go out of your way to avoid seeing someone you know because you have a fear of awkward small talk
  9. You'd be annoyed every time you see a voicemail notification on your phone but still refuse to listen to it because the burden will then truly shift to you. And this will go on for a few days before you can't stand seeing the notification anymore and you have to break down and listen to the damn message.
  10. You'd have a sick obsession with anything related to crime. You'll never truly understand why, but you'll know everyone thinks you're a fucked up weirdo because you choose to watch crime specials on brutal murders.
  11. You'll shut down mentally anytime you have to hear anything about space because your mind cannot even begin to grasp its immensity. It freaks you out. Same thing for deep blue holes in the ocean. Nobody can truly know how deep!
  12. You'd really struggle turning down a chance to get poutine.
  13. Resting bitch face
  14. You'd never know north from south and east from west when you're outside. You'd be hard to give directions to. Not only that, but you have poor spatial reasoning. It's almost non-existent.
  15. Deep down you fantasize about people fearing you. Kind of in the way people feared Keyser Soze or Michael Corleone.
  16. You should probably see a therapist about that last symptom.
  17. 😈