MY BROTHERS, RANKED

I have five brothers who are super smart and awesome. My childhood was hilarious, rough, great, and wild. In a big family, everything's a competition, so ranking them is completely appropriate- even if you might think it is rude. I mean, it is, but...
  1. 1.
    The Architect
    Everyone's favorite. Known as Golden Boy by the siblings and my parents. Like literally. When my other brothers were torturing me, he'd get them to stop. This guy is generous, hilarious, compassionate, and so smart. And he has great taste and outfits my sons in Filson and Pendleton.
  2. 2.
    Father of the Year
    When he was 20, he apologized about how evil he was to me when we were young. Like once when I was reading in my bed, he came into my room w The Local, wrapped me in my bedspread, and dropped me over the bannister. But I digress. He loves his kids so much and is always rallying everyone for a big game of soccer or football. He dedicates all of his free time to his children. He is the best father that I know, truly.
  3. 3.
    The Local
    This guy was the best at all sports and very popular. Didn't move too far from our parents' home. My mother gives him money all of the time. He golfs every weekend w his childhood friends. He reminds me of 1.) Daniel Tosh, and 2.) a washed up local hero played by Kevin Costner in a family drama targeted at women in their 40s.
  4. 4.
    The Online Professor
    He'll always be the little bro. He's second to last on the list bc I am an asshole. I can't get over the guilt of being such a shitty, shitty older sister to him in my teenaged years. Also, he's (what I consider) super religious, which is kind of weird.
  5. 5.
    The Genius
    Nice guy. He has a fan base, and my siblings all laugh about the things people write online about him bc it's surreal. I am jealous bc not only is he successful in his field, he writes for high brow publications and also had a book published by a legit pub company. The only reason why he's last on my list is bc I don't know him very well. And because he got his story published in Modern Love, and all I got was a (very personal and encouraging) rejection letter.
  6. 6.
    If this were a list about siblings, not brothers, my sister would be #1. Just sayin'.