HOW REFUGEES ARE ADMITTED INTO THE U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
  1. Step 1: Filled-out refugee application materials thrown onto large, unorganized pile of folders on desk at United States immigration headquarters
  2. Step 2: Applicants shown pictures of various U.S. landmarks and asked how violent they make them feel
  3. Step 3: Nonrefundable $45 credit check fee
  4. Step 4: Find safe place to wait out gunfire for next two years while application is processed
  5. Step 5: Tracking chips inserted into refugees’ forearms
  6. Step 6: Cry softly
  7. Step 7: Often regarded as the most arduous step of the process, refugees must successfully elicit some level of sympathy from the American populace
  8. Step 8: Age another year
  9. Step 9: Legally accepted refugees inserted onto list to receive government benefits, directly ahead of all of nation’s veterans
  10. Step 10: Accept grim but very real possibility of life in Billings, MT
  11. Step 11: Refugees given list of mosques under government watch they are allowed to attend
  12. Step 12: Enjoy full rights and privileges of something called “Adjust Status”
  13. Step 13: Fully assimilate by denying sanctuary to future waves of refugees from another part of the world