My Entire Life, in One Week of Facebook Updates

The last seven days of FB updates are a perfect portrait of my life right now. Here's what I'm doing with myself:
  1. Driving like a badass while flirting with too-young men
    Yesterday a handsome motorcyclist, stopped next to me at a red light after we'd driven together for several miles, took off his face mask thing to tell me that he liked riding behind me because I drive aggressively (legally, maybe a little fast). You guys, I think sexy men on motorcycles being impressed by my driving might be my new favorite thing.
  2. Getting my heart broken
    Remember that time we were young and had an endless appetite for heartbreak? Or maybe it was a tolerance, and an appetite for joy and love? Wow. That was a thing.
  3. Blasting heartbreak music in car while crying
    I don't mean to close the door / But for the record my heart is sore. CocoRosie, quit talking about all my personal business, pls.
  4. Parenting
    The great thing about having a toddler is that when you find half a banana on the floor of your car, you don't have to ask "why" or "how."
  5. Being terrified about the fascist dystopia we are cruising towards
    Request: it's pretty clear how this election season is going to shake out. But can we all not go back to ignoring the rise of fascism, racism, and xenophobia in this country once it doesn't have a bobble-headed spray-tanned mascot? It's still going to be there, and we still need to grapple with it head-on.
  6. Making bad choices
    Evening recap: Me: This new Shun knife is so sharp, I can just cut up this broccoli in my hands, without a cutting board! Me: Wow, that is stunning logic from someone who, miraculously, still has all 10 original fingers.
  7. ... and more bad choices
    Me to guy I just scheduled date with: Here's my number, if texting is easier. Guy: *texts me so I also have his number* Me *to guy I ACTUALLY WANT to go on a date with*: Ahoy ahoy! Pretty sure my adulting permits are going to get revoked any day now.
  8. ... and still more
    Seriously considered opening root beer bottle with my teeth when I couldn't find a bottle opener. Turns out it was a screw-off cap. So I guess that's where I'm at today.
  9. Preparing to get my heart broken again
    On the one hand, I think it's good that I'm willing to get right back on the horse with this dating thing. On the other hand, people usually don't advise getting back on a horse after it has bucked you off and trampled you multiple times, causing serious organ damage and a concussion. But hey, nuts to convention!
  10. Destroying human men
    Me: *correct statement about a science thing, but couched in habitual womanspeak so it sounds like I am unsure* Disagreeing man: *mansplaining* Me: OH NO YOU DIDN'T FOOL. LOOK UPON MY WORKS, YE INCORRECT, AND DESPAIR. So apparently my learned femininity is really a trap for men who think I am actually a meek human woman and not a Gorgon.
  11. Parenting some more, FTW
    Picking my kid up from her first day of school in 30 minutes. No, I am not crying in my car. Why would you ask that?