10 Masterbatory Situations

  1. 1.
    Rush: The rush job made its first appearance when your mom screamed your name to come down for dinner. You're not in this one for the romance of it all. No, this is more like the equivalent of a one night stand in a bathroom stall, but with your hand. It's quick, it's dirty and you're slightly ashamed of the type of person you are afterwards.
    When to best use it: Partner went out to get milk / Roommate's in shower / You're in shower
  2. 2.
    Accidental: You're having a casual conversation with your friend and BOOM you're touching yourself. Or maybe you're in a meeting and WHAMMY, you're doing your patented counter-clockwise head rub rotation. Not so much an accident as it is a routine that's you've become accustomed to. It's just what you do when you zone out from time to time.
    I hate to say it, but you should probably stop. It's called indecent exposure and Pee-Wee was arrested for it. Fun Fact: Accidental masturbation occurs 95% more when wearing sweatpants.
  3. 3.
    Relax: You've got a presentation and 2 reports due tomorrow and life just ain't feeling so great because you know you're about to pull an all-nighter. Stress levels are at a maximum and you really need to let loose. Sure, you could try drugs, but let's be honest, that's not really in your budget.
    When to Best Use It: Before an oral presentation / Mid-study break / After taking out a student loan or mortgage
  4. 4.
    The Short-List: You're scrolling through late-night TV and you pass something slightly erotic. But wait, this is TV and surely there's something else on, so you hold out. But let's not get greedy. We'll add that channel to the short-list and see if something better is on. And who knows, maybe you find an old "Charlie's Angels" episode.
    FYI: If you have a button on your remote that quickly returns to the last channel you were on, you can quickly use this to switch back and forth between the short-list.
  5. 5.
    Shitty Internet: There's no worse feeling than waiting for a porn to load on your computer with a slow Internet connection. You watch 5 second and then it has to buffer. It's like masturbating to a picture in a magazine - stupid. Most likely this situation will end in a orgasm of frustration and anger. That's why it's smart to always have plan b.
    How to Best Remedy: Invest in an external harddrive to save some backup porn in case of emergency
  6. 6.
    Bored: Nothing's on TV and you can safely say you've seen the entire Internet. No one's doing anything because all your friends are lame and to be honest, leaving you with just your thoughts is a bad combination. That is unless your thoughts are of that cute redhead at work from earlier today.
    When to Best Use It: Waiting to switch laundry from washer to dryer / Tuesday / Right now
  7. 7.
    Drunk: Just because you didn't bring a girl home from that party or bar doesn't mean your night has to end with pitiful puking. The drunk masturbatory session tends to be a bit sloppy, but that's mainly because you're using a warm Coors Light as lubricant. Chances are it'll be as sloppy as drunk sex but infinitely less rewarding.
  8. 8.
    Power Through: A couple minutes into the routine and you just realised you're actually not in the mood. Could be numerous reasons why but you need to buck up and finish the job. You may think it's pathetic to keep going when you don't want to, but imagine how much more pathetic it is to just stop. Premature ejaculation is less embarrassing.
    Equate it to: Realizing the girl you just brought back to your place isn't actually as hot as she looked at the party, but sometimes you just gotta buck up and fuck (up).
  9. 9.
    Planned: The candles are lit. The curtains are drawn. Your pubes are trimmed and you've got your most expensive bottle of lube out. If you were taking your dick out on a date, he'd be pretty impressed with the atmosphere you've created. You've got multiple tabs open in your browser with your favorite porn videos - all 100% loaded.
    Fun Fact: You''ll never love a woman as much as you love your cock.
  10. 10.
    Post-Tragedy: You just buried a beloved family member 45 minutes ago. Of course, you could be considerate and wait until later in the week to get back in the routine, but what's the point, we're all going to die anyway. Oh no, oh g*d no. Her death affected you more than you thought it would. I hope she can't see you defiling yourself, LOL.
    Comforting Thought: When the elderly die they can see every time you masturbate. Good thing Great Aunt Susie had cataracts!