1. You may have a hard time believing this, but I have an excellent relationship with G*d. I know you probably think I’m an atheist, but nothing could be further from the truth. I love G*d. If G*d was here right now I’d suck his big divine dick. (I’m a woman, so fuck you gay haters.)
  2. See, the problem with most people is they have no idea how to have a relationship with G*d. That’s because they’re caught up in the infinite, the indefinable.
  3. Or worse, you’ve been listening to your minister, priest, rabbi, or mullah. These people are not experts on G*d.
  4. They may know about pedophilia, embezzlement, where to buy lean pastrami and/or bomb making supplies but they don’t know shit about the Lord.
  5. You need to think of G*d in human terms. Instead of worrying about your relationship with G*d, imagine you’re trying to have a relationship with Charlie Sheen.
  6. Why Charlie Sheen? Because like G*d, most people wish they had a better relationship with Charlie Sheen. Like Jesus, Charlie Sheen hangs out with a lot of prostitutes and has great hair.
  7. The first step in improving your relationship with G*d/Charlie Sheen is to stop asking him for stuff. Sure he’s got tons of cool stuff, and probably wouldn’t miss it.
  8. He’s probably still fucking Denise Richards in the ass and all you want is enough money to buy a new toaster.
  9. Well unfortunately, Charlie has that money earmarked for nipple waxing and crack so he’s not going to just hand it over.
  10. Like G*d, Charlie gets requests from people he doesn’t know all of the time.
  11. Even if he did know you, he can’t just hand you everything you want. That would make G*d OJ Simpson and you would be Kato Kaelin.
  12. Do you want G*d to be OJ Simpson? I didn’t think so.
  13. Are you starting to understand how G*d works?
  14. The second thing to do to improve your relationship with G*d/Charlie Sheen is to stop holding him responsible for things that you did, or didn’t do.
  15. Nothing is more annoying to Him then you saying, “If I don’t get that job, it was because Charlie Sheen didn’t want me to get it.” or “Charlie Sheen will get me out of this speeding ticket, even though I’m shit faced on Percocet, Crestor, and Peach Schnapps.”
  16. I’m not saying Charlie will never help you, but you really need to take some personal responsibility.
  17. “Charlie Sheen wants me to beat up this prostitute. After all, did he not shoot Kelly Preston?” Believe me Charlie Sheen probably does want you to beat up that prostitute, but you’re still the one holding the sock full of nickels.
  18. The third thing to do to improve your relationship with G*d/Charlie Sheen is to stop talking shit about him.
  19. Don’t be bragging about how well you know Him, and how everyone else should get to know Him. Your relationship with Him is not special. Plus, Charlie Sheen has more friends than he knows what to do with. If other people want a relationship with Charlie Sheen they only need to go to the nearest topless club.
  20. The fourth thing to do to improve your relationship with G*d/Charlie Sheen is to stop going to his house.
  21. Would you want someone coming over your house every Sunday? Even though you’re going there to praise Him, it’s all a little much. Plus, look at the douchebags all around you. They’re not really friends of Him. They all just want stuff, or want to blame Him for stuff. You don’t need to be associated with these people.
  22. Finally, stop questioning everything he does.
  23. He has done good things like “Wall Street” and “Hot Shots!” I and II. And yet, he has also done “Men at Work” and “Two and a Half Men”? He broke up with porn star Ginger Lynn. Some things he does are beyond our human comprehension.
  24. Try being a good friend to Him for a change. That way when you die, you can go live with Him in Malibu. I hope you take comfort in that.