A Psychopath With a Heart of Gold: The Wisdom of Spider Jerusalem

A collection of quotes from The Great Bastard.
  1. On Voting
    "Imagine you're locked in an underground nightclub filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things. And you aren't allowed out until you all vote on what you're going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch Republican Party Reservation. They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns and brand-new sexual organs you didn't know existed. So you vote for television, and everyone else votes to fuck you with switchblades. That's voting."
  2. On Work/Life Balance
    "A Kenyan man once said to me, "you can get used to everything when money's involved." He used to stick mice up his ass for twenty bucks a time."
  3. On Revolutions
    "There's one hole in every revolution, large or small. And it's one word long – people. No matter how big the idea they all stand under, people are small and weak and cheap and frightened. It's people that kill every revolution."
  4. On Religion
    "So this Zealot comes to my door, all glazed eyes and clean reproductive organs, asking me if I ever think about God. So I tell him I killed God. I tracked God down like a rabid dog, hacked off his legs with a hedge trimmer, and boiled off his corpse in an acid bath. So he pulls an alternating-current taser on me and tells me that only the Official Serbian Church of Tesla can save my polyphase intrinsic electric field, known to non-engineers as "the soul". So I hit him."
  5. On Executive Power
    "The Oval Office carpet is thick with Presidential semen. They look out of the window, think "I own you all" and jack off like ugly apes in humping season. It's what they live for. No one who wants that is to be trusted. Why can't you all see that?"
  6. On Gaslighting
    "By four o'clock, I've discounted suicide in favor of killing everyone else in the entire world instead."
  7. On Personal Security
    "Paranoids are just people in possession of all the facts."
  8. On Birth Control
    "One day I'm going to drop a bomb on this City. A contraceptive bomb."
  9. On Globalization
    "That's what a monoculture is. It's everywhere, and it's all the same. And it takes up alien cultures and digests them and shits them out in a homogenous building-block shape that fits seamlessly into the vast blank wall of the monoculture. … This is what we wanted. It must have been. Because we all had the fucking choice, didn't we? … So let's celebrate by all going out and buying the same burger."
  10. On Civic Responsibility
    "Silence, vermin! I am in command here! Who did you vote for, vermin woman? Did you vote? Can you read? Have you got thumbs? Show me your fucking thumbs! Thumbs!"
  11. On Dealing With Trump
    "He's prepared to delete the first amendment. He's prepared to kill dissenting voices. He's prepared to do anything to get what he wants. Well, newsflash: so am I."
  12. On Hope
    "The future is an inherently good thing, and we move into it one winter at a time. Things get better one winter at a time. So if you're going to celebrate something, then have a drink on this: the world is, generally and on balance, a better place to live this year than it was last year. For instance: I didn't have this gun last year."