That Time I Tried to Rob Fort Knox

... in Burgle Bros.
  1. The plan was simple: get in, get out, retire to private island and live out my days watching Netflix. There were only three Safes to find and open on two floors. Not a lot of people know that about Fort Knox. This should have been a cakewalk.
  2. The rent-a-pigs were, of course, a problem. Normally a slow moving security Guard is a good thing, but at the moment I had to wait for him to get out of my way before I could proceed. The Motion Detector in front of me would also complicate things.
  3. In fact, whole northwest corner of the building seemed to be alarmed. Luckily I wasn't in a hurry, and was able to peek ahead before inadvertently setting everything off. Slow and easy wins the heist.
  4. But I wasn't slow and easy enough. I can't remember how, but I set off the Motion Detector after exiting the room, then going back. The Guard came rushing back and was on me before I realized anything was going wrong. Maybe it was a bad Event card draw. Either way, I was already down one stealth token. Two more like that and I'd be done for.
  5. It only got worse. After setting off on a course to the other side of the building, the Guard inexplicably started heading back! What the hell is wrong with this rent-a-cop?
  6. It was apparent the guard wasn't going far. I decided to study the safe I'd found and wait for the guard to get some distance before exploring the rest of the floor. While I was at it, I converted my Stealth tokens for gear. It was clear I'm a failure at avoiding the guards. Maybe stuffing some tricks in my utility belt would be a wiser strategy.
  7. While working on the safe, I decided to look into my crystal ball to see what fate awaited me. Nothing too horrible. I just had to plan ahead.
  8. Finally the guard gave me some breathing room. I could now start casing the rest of the bank.
  9. I couldn't shake the feeling that I would need as many Tools in my arsenal as possible. So I let him wander a bit farther and jury-rigged a few more tricks. I had options, but I decided to stick with the smoke bomb. The doughnuts would be way too easy.
  10. But this guard would not leave me alone! Before I knew it, that bastard was on his way back!
  11. I backtracked yet again and let the guard go by. I didn't know if he was fucking with me, or just afraid of the other side of the building.
  12. I was finally clear to search the other side of the floor, but it was slow going. But when the guard started walking to the far corner, I eyed the Safes yet again.
  13. Meanwhile, the guard decided to do sprints in the middle of the shift, and rushed to the far corner before heading back. Damn, this guy was bored.
  14. I swear to God, there cannot have been this many alarms on the other floor, because they were all down here! Even Fort Knox has a limited security budget.
  15. I decided to run the Fingerprint door like a red light get back to work on the second safe. The guard would be coming, but there was a 50-50 chance that he would just turn around and go back the other way.
  16. I swear I had donut crumbs on me because the Guard could smell me a mile away. He double backed. I had to get out of that corner.
  17. I worked on the safe until the very last second, then dove into the the Camera room. The plan wasn't working, so I had to come up with a new one. I was tempted to scurry upstairs, but in the end I decided to search the other side of the building while that pig-fucker meandered around the safes.
  18. I still needed to find the entire combination for both safes. Surely security would be lighter over yonder.
  19. After squeezing between the Lasers, I finally had a bit of luck and found a Lab. What wonderful toys would I find inside?
  20. Rollerskates! Those would come in handy. Unfortunately impatience got the better of me. I decided to bolt down the far hallway and ended up stuck between a Fingerprint alarm and a Keypad lock. Of course, I couldn't unlock the Keypad, and the guard was coming fast. How could I have been so stupid?!
  21. Luckily I broke through at the last second. Still, there was a 50-50 chance he'd continue down this hallway, and I had no way out. In retrospect I should haves used the Smoke Bomb before he arrived, because I'd forgotten I couldn't used it after getting caught. Instead, I horded it. What a fool I was!
  22. Fortunately God loves me. The guard, obviously afraid of that corner of the building, headed back to the other side. Maybe it was haunted.
  23. I still had to wait for him to get some distance before running through the fingerprint alarm again. But terrible shit always happens when you wait around too long, and this would be no exception. I found that not only were all of the Keypad combinations being changed...
  24. ... But some kind of delayed alarm went off in the lab I just ransacked, calling the Guard back!
  25. Fortunately the cameras decided to crap out at that moment, but that wasn't going to help me all that much.
  26. I decided to use my talent for ventriloquism and send the guard as far away as possible. This had to work. I was running out of tricks.
  27. After finding the rest of the combination, I was officially out of patience. I decided to just run the alarms and hope for the best.
  28. I was done with playing at quiet. After purposefully setting off both alarms, I dove into a Deadbolt room and waited for the guard to pass. This is where things really start to go wrong, and it was all my fault.
  29. I had forgotten to increase the Guard's movement with each alarm. I tried to correct, I was now officially breaking the rules, and a solitaire board game KNOWS when you break the rules.
  30. I quickly went back to work on one of the safes, and opened it without much effort. I figured I had plenty of time to open this one, since the guard was supposed to move right past me and back up to the north side of the building. Unfortunately...
  31. ... The guard heard something just as he was moving past the Safe. I was caught! And since this isn't Grand Theft Auto or payday, there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it but hold my hands up and hope he didn't decide to shoot me, bury the body, and skip the paperwork. I didn't even see the second floor.
  32. After being caught and punished for being a Dirty Criminal, I would eventually regain my freedom and have more Adventures. But that is another story...