Drunken takeaways from Oakland Raiders Preseason

So I just finished watching the third Raiders preseason game of 2016 with the help of my friend Jim Beam, and I've just got to get the stuff floating around in my head down for the record. I know what you're thinking: "It's preseason. Who cares?" Well, I do. At least right NOW I do... Ah, screw you. YOU'RE the one reading this shit, you loser!
  1. Derek Carr is the truth
    This isn't revelatory if you're a Raider fan who has lived through the past 12-plus years, but I feel like this guy is going to blossom this season as an elite QB in his 3rd year. The "Baby Aaron Rodg" comp myself and others have been putting on this guy since he landed in OAK looks more prophetic now than ever. The only caveat I'll mention is the health of Amari. The offense and Derek looked disturbingly similar to its 2014 self when Coop was playing hurt at the end of last season.
  2. The run defense is troubling
    This was a question going in, and unfortunately, it's not looking good right now. Is it the D-Line? Is it the linebackers? Is it the coaching/scheme? I don't know. Heeney looks too small. Irvin over-pursues everything. Nobody can get off a damn block. There's no push up the middle. Mack is getting doubled EVERY play... You'd better fix this, Norton.
  3. Please move to Las Vegas
    Oakland is a shit hole. For reals. Everyone knows it. I'm sorry— I'm a Raider fan for life no matter where we be, but can we just find a place to play where taxpayers will foot the bill for a dope-ass crib like everyone else? I don't give a shit if we play in Mexico (oh, wait... we actually do that this year), I'm a fan for life, bro. Just get out of Oakland.
  4. Shilique Calhoun is a bust
    Ok, he's a third round pick and a LB, so it's not like this is going to hamstring us for the next 5 years Jamarcus-style, but I'm disappointed in this guy. I figured the Del Rio-Norton-McKenzie combo must have known something I didn't when they picked this guy, but I haven't seen #91 make a single damn play. I was hoping this kid could contribute to a front seven with a lot of question marks :(
  5. I like these little running backs
    Full disclosure: I've never been a huge Latavius Murray fan. I mean, I like him. He's aight. Any team would like to have a guy like Tay Train. But he's just not a dynamic, explosive guy IMO. So I was hoping rookies DeAndre Washington and Jalen Richard could Voltron with Tay Tay this season and give the running game the nitrous oxide it needed. Well, they both look good. Very capable. And Atkinson III looks every bit as good as them. I'm digging any/all these guys as a compliment to Latavius.
  6. The Chargers, Chiefs and Broncos suck
    What kind of Raider fan would I be if I didn't shift my focus from my own team's problems to the problems of hated division rivals? Nice job with that Bosa kid, San Diego. Thanks for that top shelf CB, Kansas City. And good luck with those fucktard QB's, Denver. God, the only thing stronger than my love for the silver and black is my hatred for those three teams. Raaaaaiiders! Raaaaaiiders! Raaaaaiiders!
  7. Is our O-line good?
    I mean, pass protection looks good, but can these guys open up some damn holes in the running game? I feel like the Cowboys o-line is 99 run block and 68 pass block, and our o-line is just the opposite. What do the actual Madden rankings say? Am I right? The newest game console I have is a PS2. Help me out.
  8. David Amerson is worth every penny
    Love his swagger. Plays big. Stoked to see what he will do when teams avoid throwing in Sean Smith's direction. I just hope that those two guys 1) aren't forced to cover guys for 5-7 seconds on account of a non-existent pass rush, and 2) aren't stuck making tackles on RB's running free all day long. Someone besides Mack in that front 7 needs to step up so this DB duo can wreak havoc.
  9. Karl Joseph is #42
    That's all I know so far. Still waiting for this "stick of dynamite" to light someone up. Unlike the aforementioned Calhoun, I liked this pick on draft day, so I'm willing to cut him some slack. It looks like he's the starting SS, so the coaches must see it in him during practice and camps. He can't be worse than DJ Hayden, right? Let's hope so.