WRESTLEMANIA 32 SPOILERS
No need to watch. I fueled up my AMC Delorean, floored it to 88 mph, and traveled into the future to find out what will happen at Wrestlemania 32 in Dallas, TX.
- •Andre the Giant Memorial Battle RoyalCesaro returns to action, gets a massive surprise pop and almost captures his second Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy. All the #SocialOutcasts are eliminated except for Curtis Axel. When it comes down to the end, Bo, Adam and Heath return to interfere and steal a huge win for the Axe Man.
- •U.S. Championship: Ryback vs. KalistoRyback controls the match with size and strength. Kalisto fires up and is set to win, but the big guy resorts to underhanded tactics to steal the title. A rematch on Monday Night RAW is all but assured.
- •The Usos vs. The Dudley BoysThe Usos win. The Dudleys, who have been eschewing the use of tables leading up to this match, give in to their old ways and bring them out. The plan backfires and it's Devon who goes through the table and gets pinned 1-2-3.
- •Total Divas vs. B.A.D. And BlondeThe baby faces win in an absolutely terrible botch fest. However, in a moment we've all been waiting for, a boob pops out during the match! Hooray divas division! Unfortunately, it's Tamina's... Still though. It's a boob! We're all winners!
- •Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match: Kevin Owens vs. Zayn, Stardust, Ziggler, Miz, Ryder, Sin CaraThis high spot fest doesn't disappoint. Zayn takes out KO, freeing up Ziggler to steal away the win just when you think Zack Ryder is going to pull off an unbelievable upset. Sin Cara might be out of action for a while.
- •The New Day vs. League of NationsNo surprise here as New Day retains their titles. Sheamus gets a trombone lodged in his ass courtesy Xavier Woods.
- •A.J. Styles vs. Chris JerichoA.J. Styles wins a 5-star instant classic rivaling Savage-Steamboat from 29 years ago.
- •Divas Championship Triple Threat Match: Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks vs. BaileyShe even bleeds like her old man. Charlotte gets a good amount of color in this one, but retains her title. She's the best heel in the company this side of Stephanie McMahon and this match will be talked about for a long time as an influential turning point in the evolution of women's wrestling in WWE because of the blood that was spilled.
- •Brock Lesnar vs. Dean AmbroseDean pulls off the shocking upset. After both combatants mutilate themselves for the WWE universe's viewing pleasure, Ambrose is barely conscious when he scores the pin fall. That's because after Dean is F5'd, The Rock interferes and takes out Lesnar. He drapes Dean's lifeless body across Lesnar for the 1-2-3, setting up Rock vs. Brock for WM33, and putting Ambrose way over.
- •Hell in a Cell: Shane McMahon vs. The UndertakerHoly shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Yes, Shane-O-Mac almost kills himself in this one. But his death defying plunge isn't the biggest takeaway. Just when you think it's over for Shane and with Vince looking on outside the cell, John Cena descends from the giant TV screen hanging in the center of AT&T Stadium via jetpack. Cena infiltrates the cell and takes down the Undertaker, securing the 1-2-3 and control of Monday Night RAW for Shane. We're all but guaranteed Cena vs. Taker at Wrestlemania 33.
- •WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Triple H vs. Roman ReignsOh yes, there is blood. So much so that the match is almost stopped for shoot. But this is Wrestlemania. Reigns gets Montreal screw-jobbed after a hellacious battle where it looks like he's about to win, but it's a total work. Addressing this will definitely be the first order of business for Shane on RAW the next day.