NBA Mock Draft 2016 Selects Breakfast Cereals

  1. 1.
    Philadelphia 76ers select...
    ...Cheerios - STRENGTHS: a real blue chip breakfast cereal; also, large market outside of breakfast as toddlers seem to have a handful at all times; if you own a minivan, chances are a half box can be found beneath your seat nooks and between cushion crannies; WEAKNESSES: Don't the Sixers already have like 5 whole grain cereals already? When are they going to stop drafting for potential only?
  2. 2.
    Los Angeles Lakers select...
    ...Cinnamon Toast Crunch - STRENGTHS: should fit in well in LA as CTC's tagline refers to them as "crazy squares" (on second thought, maybe Utah would be a better fit); WEAKNESSES: weakened dating pool - at this moment, all Kardashians are "currently in relationships"
  3. 3.
    Boston Celtics select...
    ...Wheaties - STRENGTHS: it's the breakfast of champions; WEAKNESSES: champions of crappy-tasting cereal maybe; Bill Simmons can't be pleased but will likely build a podcast empire around it
  4. 4.
    Phoenix Suns select...
    ...Frosted Mini Wheats - STRENGTHS: one side sweet; WEAKNESSES: one side fiber
  5. 5.
    Minnesota Timberwolves select...
    ...Honey Nut Cheerios - STRENGTHS: Wields a powerful last name and actually tastes good; WEAKNESSES: Minnesota actually needs a shooter and HNC more effective in the post
  6. 6.
    New Orleans Pelicans select...
    ...Apple Jacks - STRENGTHS: after you finish your cereal, you have some 'Apple-Jacked-up' milk to enjoy; WEAKNESSES: the word "Apple" is sort of a smokescreen as no apples were harmed in the making of this cereal
  7. 7.
    Denver Nuggets select...
    ...Rice Crispies - STRENGTHS: Snap and Pop; WEAKNESSES: Crackle suffers from the 'Jan complex' and often feels undervalued
  8. 8.
    Sacramento Kings select...
    ...Lucky Charms - STRENGTHS: tiny, stiff marshmallows never tasted so good! WEAKNESSES: exposed on 'Mythbusters' as actually not that lucky
  9. 9.
    Toronto Raptors select...
    ...Raisin Bran - STRENGTHS: TWO scoops! WEAKNESSES: two scoops could usher in a team-chemistry-crushing culture of privilege and entitlement
  10. 10.
    Milwaukee Bucks select...
    ...Count Chocula - STRENGTHS: The Bucks look to Europe for a new franchise cornerstone because clearly The Count is from somewhere in Western Europe. WEAKNESSES: Not only is The Count not from Europe, but he is rumored to have once been married to a Housewife of New York
  11. 11.
    Orlando Magic select...
    ...Honey Smacks - STRENGTHS: frog spokesphibian rates high among important demographic groups; WEAKNESSES: known for frequent binges of reverting back to his old "Sugar Smacks" ways
  12. 12.
    Utah Jazz select...
    ...Cookie Crisp - STRENGTHS: boldly wears the cookie name in a market where others have distanced themselves from nutritionally-politically incorrect titles (we see you there 'Sugar Smacks'... I mean 'Honey Smacks' ...smh); WEAKNESSES: when this shows up on your breakfast table, it is possible that Mom has just given up
  13. 13.
    Phoenix Suns (2) select...
    ...Froot Loops - STRENGTHS: sugar with a colorful toucan spokesbird; WEAKNESSES: spelling - the Fruit Union ordered the change to 'Froot' on the basis of false advertising
  14. 14.
    Chicago Bulls select...
    ...Life - STRENGTHS: President and Chief Operating Officer Michael Reinsdorf hates everything but... Michael... No... Mikey... He likes it! Mikey really likes It!, WEAKNESSES: inevitable and unrealistic comparisons to Michael Jordan
  15. 15.
    Denver Nuggets (2) select...
    ...Frosted Flakes - STRENGTHS: Tony says, "THEY'RE GR-R-REAT!" WEAKNESSES: since 2014, name describes a newly legal segment of Denver's population