STAGES OF DENIAL BUILDING UP TO ADMITTING YOU HAVE A COLD

You know how it feels like one minute you're healthy and the next minute you could be the lead in a NyQuil commercial? But in between despite some minor signs there is a good hunk of denial.
  1. Watery Eyes
    Allergies. Smog if you live in LA. New mascara must have some weird chemical if you're a girl or trans. First drug - eye drops if you have them. Eye drops not considered medicine.
  2. Random Sneezes
    Not full on can't stop sneezing attacks. Not the kind where everyone in a ten mile radius runs away from you. Just achoo...achoo. "Can't be a cold I feel fine. " ACHOO. Must have been a weird spice in the Pad Thai.
  3. Slightly Stiff Neck
    Too much time at the keyboard. Neck rolls. Maybe take a yoga class to prove your strength. "I feel great. Little tired." ACHOO. " Few good down dogs and I'm good to go."
  4. The Tickle In The Back of Your Throat
    Pad Thai? That was yesterday. You search for that old Ricola left over from your last cold. "I'm not sick or anything" You text last person you kissed or hooked up with to find out how they are. Make a plan with anyone to prove no sickness in your immediate future.
  5. That Achy Feeling
    Suddenly - like in minutes it feels like you want a nap. Your legs ache. Your neck is stiffer. Maybe you shouldn't have taken the advanced yoga class. Two Aleve if you have them. If not, you're not sick enough to buy them. Shit you're not sick.
  6. Ears Start Feeling Stuffed
    You do that weird thing where you try and pop your ears by moving your jaw. Kind of like on a plane. When that doesn't help you do the full on open close your mouth fish dance. You try and do it subtlety. But truth is you resemble Nemo. And it only helps for a second.
  7. Tickle in Throat Turns The Corner
    Now your throat hurts. Maybe you pulled something when you tried to open your ears. You buy a tea instead of your usual latte. You put honey in it. No coffee. Honey in tea is the first sign you might be accepting you actually have a cold.
  8. Ears Totally Blocked
    Fuck. Not like do it. Like fuck, I might be getting sick.
  9. Nose Totally Stuffed
    By now you can't sneeze and you really want to. Tea not helping. Hard time hearing. Aching really bad. One pathetic sneeze. Hurts clogged ears yet doesn't open them. You haven't given in to Kleenex yet, still using napkins from coffee place.
  10. Cotton Head Misery
    Feels like your whole head is stuffed with cotton. Every facial orifice is clogged. Your throat is killing you. When you do sneeze it hurts your clogged ears but doesn't open them. " Shit I have a cold, How did it happen so fast?"
  11. Drugstore
    You give in. You go stock up on Zicam. Maybe it's not too late. More Ricula. NyQuill. Cough syrup incase it goes to your chest. Chest is now feeling heavy. Kleenex and one of those little ones to keep in purse or pocket. Sudafed. Check you have ID to show them. "Right I feel like shit, I'm really going to go home and make meth out of Sudafed." An US magazine. Perfect sick bed reading. Eyes too watery to read much on phone. "No I'm not going to bed. Will read on coach"
  12. Sofa to Bed
    You go home and take a hot bath. Drink some more tea. Put on sweats. Lie on sofa. Read one article in US. Can't even focus on Lamar and Khloe. Check your Instagram feed. Sneeze all over your phone. Fall asleep. Wake up at one in the morning to nasty texts from person you made date with.
  13. Bed
    Send text to person you blew off. "In bed with cold." Go to sleep for 18 hours. It will either be bronchitis or over by the time you get up.