Moms can be such kill joys.
  1. Matthew McConaughey
    I was gonna get him all constipated with bagels and bananas, slick his hair back, put him in a black suit, and sit him in the neighbor's Lincoln while feeding him sour candy. Instant McConaughey.
  2. Crossfit Bro
    "WOD Life" tat, tank top, overpriced board shorts, and constant babble about metabolic conditioning. Done.
  3. Ted
    He lures you in because you're thinking he's just a cute little teddy bear, then he rips ass and sings "fuck you, thunder" at the top of his little lungs.
  4. Ninja
    He already beats the living hell out of me. Might as well dress him up like it's his profession. Plus, how awesome is a 2' tall ninja?
  5. Johnny Utah
    This failure is partially my fault because I couldn't decide if he should be wet suit Johnny, sky diving Johnny, or plain clothes Johnny.
  6. Trump
    A little blue suit, a fake check for $1M from Dad, lots of nonsensical/self-serving blathering, some shitty motions with the comb, and voila: instant little Donald