THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT MY APPEARANCE BETWEEN 1990-2000

A lasting list of neuroses
  1. The openings of my eyes do not match
    Some girl named Lindsay or Sarah or Allyson told me this in 7th grade history. It was said like it was an observation. A fact. To this day, I'm not sure if she was actually right ... maybe cause the openings of my eyes are fucked up.
  2. I have "alien" toes
    My second toes are considerably longer than my big toes, thus the other-worldly classification. This observation - also from a fact-finding female middle schooler - kept me out of sandals for nearly a decade.
  3. So Much Love to Handle
    By all accounts, I'm fairly thin. Always have been. But if a milkshake is consumed, it will soon reside in the pasty white region directly above my ass. This fact was brought to my attention in summer gym class freshman year.
  4. An Indestructible Nose
    Thanks to nearly two decades of repeated breaks and bruises, I discovered in high school that I'm able to smush my nose down flat to my face. It's a cool party trick and an awesome way to freak out physicians.