HOW TO MAKE DERBY PIE

Warning: you will eat this entire pie and feel great about it.
  1. Be from Louisville.
    Also acceptable: hookup with someone from Louisville. If already in a committed relationship, get permission to screw a liberal from KY OR drink a bottle of Woodford Reserve with significant other and talk about horses while screwing. Also acceptable: drink a bottle of Eagle Rare and substitute your go to second person plural with y'all and where a tolerably ridiculous headpiece.
  2. Call an old friend just because. Preheat the oven to 350 F.
    Look at their pics on Instagram for a quick refresher on his or her life while chatting.
  3. Pour yourself a glass of good sipping whiskey- obviously bourbon.
  4. Call your mama, damnit
  5. Decide whether or not you're going to make a crust from scratch.
  6. If you're choosing to go with a store bought crust, quit now, and finish the bottle of bourbon. Read some Silas House or watch a George Clooney film.
  7. Make a crust.
  8. That was exhausting. Call your Daddy.
    "You made your own crust! Atta-kid. How about that. Your own crust!"
  9. Verify you used your Dad's mom's recipe.
  10. Take the ten minutes it takes to say goodbye to your Daddy.
    Try not to be too sad when he finally hangs up.
  11. Your glass is empty
    Fill that shit up.
  12. Eat something.
    Is there ever a bad time for toast?
  13. Put on some music and say something judgmental.
  14. Look in the mirror, and say something you love about yourself out loud.
    Just do it....and be REALLY loud. "YOUR IRISES ARE REMINISCENT OF AN IRISH MEADOW, YOU MAGICAL BEAST!"
  15. Your glass is empty.
    Fix it.
  16. Mix these things together:
    Use expensive butter, dark chocolate, and go half pecans, half walnuts to be fancy.
  17. Dump the goop in the pie crust.
  18. Set a timer for 40 minutes. Open the oven. Place raw pie in the oven. Bake for 40 minutes. Shit! Close the oven door.
  19. Don't be a slob; recycle the bottle.
  20. Start drinking water.
  21. Stream Secretariat.
  22. Retrieve pie from oven.
    Use mitts. You're inebriated, not invincible.
  23. Eat entire pie before it cools.
    You have about 30 minutes.
  24. Fact check the movie with your mouth full.
  25. Instagram a pic of the empty pie plate.
  26. Pass out smiling.