Huge young adult Christian conference in Houston, here are some thoughts I had during the first day and a half.
  1. Am I bad Christian?
  2. No seriously, am I?
  3. Am I the 1% in this room? The guy who looks unhappy?
  4. Of course I am.
  5. I've never been that guy. I like God and I like Christianity. I read about it, I think about it, I talk about it, I pray about it.
  6. So why do I feel like I'm not supposed to be here?
  7. I've never been into church music and it's been what I find hardest to connect to in church.
  8. But this is another, more alienating and challenging level.
  9. It's production porn.
  10. But it's working?
  11. In clearly in the minority, everyone around me is taking pictures and just having a good time. That's how I normally am?
  12. What does it say about me that I don't enjoy this?
  13. What does it say about me that immodestly I assume everyone around me is connecting to this for the wrong reasons?
  14. One of the smartest people I know is a bass player at my (mid sized) church and has often talked to me about the anxiety he gets from the possibility of people worshiping the people singing the songs, now the person the songs are about.
  15. How could that not be happening now?
  16. This is a seduction, a persuasion. It feels unethical?
  17. But also its working?
  18. How cool is it that three different arenas are all together doing this thing?
  19. Pretty cool.
  20. This is working for so many people. And all I can (or want) to do is complain and vocalize why I find this off putting.
  21. Okay, side story, a while ago I saw a tweet from a popular Twitter account (one of those Because I'm a Girl accounts or something) with a screenshot and quote from the Wes Anderson movie bottle rocket.
  22. Instantly I turned my iPad off. (Literally off). And just laughed. Then I tweeted something snarky and judgmental about how few of the thousands of Emo tweens retweeting it probably had actually seen the movie.
  23. It feels like this weekend has been one giant moment of that version.
  24. And maybe it's selfish and prideful and arrogant and petty and immature and cowardly to come to that conclusion.
  25. It probably is.
  26. But I feel like this is utterly just, just down right wrong?
  27. It might not be and this is in no way a condemnation of anyone involved or anyone who's ever gotten any spiritual experience out of an event of this nature.
  28. But it's my own personal experience and I felt compelled to share.
  29. Maybe I'm possessive of my faith and insecure about it and don't want to share it with others.
  30. But I feel the way I did during my first day of high school creative writing class. Coming from a studios private school my creative nature helped me stand out.
  31. I expected to wipe the floor with the 'stupid public schoolers' and my prose and forum would blow them all away.
  32. But holy hell was that not the case. There was so much talent in the room. I found myself in the bottom 25%. My own expectations battered and my confidence shredded.
  33. Rightfully so, it made me a better writer.
  34. But I couldn't help but think, 'do I want this?' 'Am I good writer?' 'Should I even try writing when they're people better or more passionate about it than me?'
  35. And so it repeats. Clapping for Jesus has never been my forte, but I might as well be wearing a 'God's not dead, he's only asleep' shirt.
  36. That's how it feels. Like I'm on a football team and good at everything accept catching. I throw the best passes, I'm the fasted, and I tackle the best. But I can't catch to save my life.
  37. Well, passion has been all Catching.
  38. When the Christian faith is preached in such an attractive fashion it makes me uneasy.
  39. And I'm still trying to figure out why.
  40. Even within my own group I'm an outlier. Along with @Markmccrummen
  41. It seems like I'm that one guy who didn't enjoy the best concert ever and it sucks.
  42. People don't even seem to comprehend exactly why I feel the speaking was incoherent and maybe actively bad.
  43. And why should they? If they accepted it and enjoyed it. That's that.
  44. I found it illogical, hard to follow, and ultimately emblematic of what people who hate Christians think Christians are like.
  45. Needless disregard of science and popular culture. A type of approach that creates 'camps'. The Christians and the non Christians.
  46. Which just straight up comes across as condescending as all hell.
  47. I've always been more of the belief that Christians calling comes down to loving others and it's that simple.
  48. At least for me it's that simple.
  49. But the messages have felt incredibly divisive and even a tad smug?
  50. That's my honest interpretation and it's not meant to hurt or anger or provoke.
  51. It's meant to express my personal experience.
  52. Which was one that was disheartening and challenging, but *thus far* has in a way been very rewarding and thought provoking.
  53. I've thought a lot about the teachings of Jesus and the way they should be presented to believers and non believers.
  54. Plus me and the Bro's have been turning up hard core.
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