That's not the way that was supposed to go down.
  1. The Legend of Tarzan trailer came out and Alexander Skarsgard is the most clean-shaven, grotesquely muscular jungle man to ever live.
    Do they have protein powder and the Dollar Shave Club in the jungle?
  2. Uber has a new driver agreement for everyone to sign.
    Surprise: it prevents you from joining any class action lawsuits. Forget the on-demand employee revolution (Uber hopes).
  3. Joy is joyless, and David O. Russell's worst movie.
    I guess we should have known. The trailer was mostly shots of snow falling on Jennifer Lawrence's lovely, lovely hair?
  4. The secret Wu-Tang album's secret buyer was unmasked.
    And it was our favorite pharmaceutical scumbag Martin Shkreli. He paid $2 million for it and hasn't listened to it, but would like to know if any celebrities would like to come hang out with him.
  5. The Golden Globe nominations are here.
    Where in the hell is Kimmy Schmidt, you barbarians?
  6. A three-hour Dirty Dancing remake is coming.
    As a TV special. With new musical numbers. Listen, nobody can fill Swayze's shoes and improbably lustrous blouses. Full stop.
  7. Someone made a Chicken McNugget dispenser out of Legos.
    This wasn't supposed to happen, but since it did, let me just say: your life is wild and beautiful and will someday surprise you.
  8. The Mona Lisa allegedly has a second SECRET portrait of a different woman, buried underneath its layers of paint and SECRETS.
    Some art historians aren't buying it, which means it's either a lie or just TOO BIG OF A SECRET to face. Wow, have we really spent 500 years talking about this?
  9. You can't bring "hoverboards" on most major airlines this holiday season.
    If this throws a real wrench in your plans, please invest some time in self-reflection.
  10. Jeff Bezos has offered to launch Donald Trump into space, if we would like.
    This is a plot twist only because Jeff Bezos' rocket isn't actually built to achieve orbit. He's essentially offering to murder Trump, is what it is.