10 PLOT FLAWS THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK
That's not the way that was supposed to go down.
- •The Legend of Tarzan trailer came out and Alexander Skarsgard is the most clean-shaven, grotesquely muscular jungle man to ever live.Do they have protein powder and the Dollar Shave Club in the jungle?
- •Uber has a new driver agreement for everyone to sign.Surprise: it prevents you from joining any class action lawsuits. Forget the on-demand employee revolution (Uber hopes).
- •Joy is joyless, and David O. Russell's worst movie.I guess we should have known. The trailer was mostly shots of snow falling on Jennifer Lawrence's lovely, lovely hair?
- •The secret Wu-Tang album's secret buyer was unmasked.And it was our favorite pharmaceutical scumbag Martin Shkreli. He paid $2 million for it and hasn't listened to it, but would like to know if any celebrities would like to come hang out with him.
- •The Golden Globe nominations are here.Where in the hell is Kimmy Schmidt, you barbarians?
- •A three-hour Dirty Dancing remake is coming.As a TV special. With new musical numbers. Listen, nobody can fill Swayze's shoes and improbably lustrous blouses. Full stop.
- •Someone made a Chicken McNugget dispenser out of Legos.This wasn't supposed to happen, but since it did, let me just say: your life is wild and beautiful and will someday surprise you.
- •The Mona Lisa allegedly has a second SECRET portrait of a different woman, buried underneath its layers of paint and SECRETS.Some art historians aren't buying it, which means it's either a lie or just TOO BIG OF A SECRET to face. Wow, have we really spent 500 years talking about this?
- •You can't bring "hoverboards" on most major airlines this holiday season.If this throws a real wrench in your plans, please invest some time in self-reflection.
- •Jeff Bezos has offered to launch Donald Trump into space, if we would like.This is a plot twist only because Jeff Bezos' rocket isn't actually built to achieve orbit. He's essentially offering to murder Trump, is what it is.