8 BIG ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM TODAY'S APPLE EVENT

Haha, jk, everything was so small
  1. The 4-inch iPhone SE
    iPhone 6S parts and iPhone 5 style. Also rose gold, because you hooligans can't get enough of it.
  2. A 9.7-inch iPad Pro
    More small Apple devices! Apple has downscaled its fairly large 12.9-inch iPad Pro to a smaller 9.7-inch version that comes with the same four speakers and stylus support. The new iPad, which weighs in under one pound, has its own smaller version of the original Pro's keyboard case. Also rose gold.
  3. A cheaper Apple Watch with new bands
    SMALLER PRICE TAG. The formerly $349 Apple Watch will now start at $299. The "spring lineup" of sports bands come in very spring-appropriate colors.
  4. An encryption pep talk
    The first scheduled legal hearing on the case will take place tomorrow afternoon in a Central California District Court. Timing!
  5. New iOS 9.3 features
    Updated iPhones and iPads will adjust their lighting depending on the time of day; Apple’s calling it Night Shift.
  6. Siri search in Apple TV
    "Siri, find me Jake Gyllenhaal movies"
  7. CareKit
    Six partner medical organizations, including John Hopkins University and Stanford Medicine, can create apps to help patients monitor their symptoms and care with their doctor.
  8. Environmental Renewal
    Currently 93 percent of its facilities run on renewable power, and 100 percent of US facilities are environmentally friendly. Also there's a scary new robot named Liam who will rip apart your iPhone and recycle the parts! All he rips apart is phones, not people!!