THE 12 DAYS OF FETTY WAP'S INSTANT CHRISTMAS CLASSIC, "MERRY XMAS"

By Lizzie Plaugic
  1. BEFORE WE START
    "Merry Xmas" is everything a Christmas song should be: festive, twinkling, and brassy, with an ever-so-subtle undertone of vaguely monogamous sexual activity. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year.
  2. THE FIRST DAY OF FETTY WAP
    You wake up in your childhood bed. There's snow on the ground. Everything is as it once was and nothing hurts.
  3. THE SECOND DAY OF FETTY WAP
    There's a fire in a fireplace you didn't know you had, and the boy sitting next to you smells like cinnamon and there's a very furry dog sleeping on a very furry carpet. This is an idea of comfort inspired by a J. Crew holiday catalog, but I don't think that makes the feeling less real.
  4. THE THIRD DAY OF FETTY WAP
    How can you evaluate the course of a life? Are the consequences always dependent on the actions you've taken? Does lip scrub actually make your lips softer? Do you actually know what pine smells like, or have you just confused it for the smell of pine-scented candles?
  5. THE FOURTH DAY OF FETTY WAP
    The feeling of peeling off wet socks after getting caught in the rain and wrapping your feet in a blanket.
  6. THE FIFTH DAY OF FETTY WAP
    Everyone is in love with me.
  7. THE SIXTH DAY OF FETTY WAP
    Have you ever had a dream so real, that you felt the life you live was fake? And everything that you encountered was the upgrade you've been needing?
  8. THE SEVENTH DAY OF FETTY WAP
    It's interesting how many popular Christmas songs are based on the idea of wanting another human in place of material items. People don't like to be alone during the holidays but most people don't like being alone, ever. Not alone like, "table for one," but alone alone. The kind of alone that sits around like that fog yesterday morning. The kind of alone that hears a certain Christmas song and thinks, maybe.
  9. THE EIGHTH DAY OF FETTY WAP
    You're not sad, are you?
  10. THE NINTH DAY OF FETTY WAP
    True happiness is probably a myth anyway, or at least the product of several unknown variables.
  11. THE TENTH DAY OF FETTY WAP
    How would you even know if you had achieved some kind of ultra-enlightened happiness? Would you just suddenly feel different? Like how every birthday you wonder if you'll feel a year older?
  12. THE ELEVENTH DAY OF FETTY WAP
    Maybe this is it.
  13. THE TWELFTH DAY OF FETTY WAP
    It feels like this is it.