BENEFITS OF GROWING UP IN ST. LOUIS -- DESPITE THE FACT THAT I NOW RAISE MY ONLY CHILD IN NYC

By request from a person who knows not the glory of the Great Midwest.
  1. Explaining to the kid that his beloved Shake Shack is a straight-up knock off of Steak N Shake and Ted Drewes Frozen Custard. All true.
  2. Explaining to the kid that there is no reason to drive fast and that the people honking aren't nice people. Which is true.
  3. Explaining to the kid that Forest Park is actually bigger and more awesome than Central Park. It's true.
  4. Explaining to the kid that super famous and cool-seeming people like Jon Hamm actually come from St Louis and not New York. True.
  5. Explaining to the kid that the ice cream cone was introduced to the world in St Louis. Also true.
  6. Explaining to the kid that summer heat in New York is for wusses compared to summer heat in St Louis. So true.
  7. Explaining to the kid what Wrestling At The Chase was and how much better it was than WWE. It truly was.
  8. Explaining to the kid the eternal perfection of the 9th inning of Game Seven of the 2006 NLCS, when the silence of 50,000 people in Queens was the sound of the Big City's dreams being crushed to the delight of the maligned rustbelt flyover town we come from. It happened, and it's available on YouTube so he can experience it any time I make him.
  9. Having my kid tell me plainly to get out of his face with all my corny St Louis stories because he's from New York. He is seven.