Further Things to Never Do or Say on a First Date

[from 12/10/2012]
  1. Do not show up in a straitjacket, even as a funny joke. She might not be able to get you out of it.
  2. Do not ask her, "Where do you think you fit on this chalkboard?" and point to the header, "Sex Candidates (Female), Ranked From Most To Least Desperate." They do not allow chalkboards in restaurants.
  3. "You know, before online dating, I didn't think I could date a black woman. I mean, what would we have in common? Sure we both think slavery is wrong, but I could probably be talked into it."
  4. "Your hair is so pretty." [takes out scissors and scrapbook]
  5. Do not pass her a cup surreptitiously and say, "Psst, hey, do me a favor. Could you just pee a little in this cup for me?" She'll assume that it's for some sort of drug test. LET HER ASSUME THIS.
  6. [hands over a check for $2,000] "This should get me the weird stuff, right?"
  7. "If this bread represents your booty, would you object to me doing this to it?"
  8. "Let's get out of here, listen to some non-single album cuts by John Lennon."
  9. [stares at waitress] "Your hair's pretty." [takes out scissors and scrapbook]