Gifts I've Purchased This Year for Women I Have Little Chance of Ever Dating

I could have saved this money for literally anything else.
  1. Novelty USA Today from Back To The Future II Day
    It was a cheap gift, and I know she'll like it. Still, it is highly likely that despite my thoughtful gesture, she will adamantly refuse to divorce her husband to thank me.
  2. Signed 8x10 of Valerie Bertinelli
    20 bucks on eBay. Cheaper than the fancy restaurant we'll never go to together.
  3. Keychain engraved with original poem
    An in-joke that's only slightly younger than the girl receiving the keychain. "Noses are red. Violins are blue. I told you we shouldn't have gone to see this clown orchestra." Thanks, Etsy.
  4. Darlingside LP
    First of all, this is a really good album. Secondly, she recently said that if her brand-new marriage does not work out, I'm definitely her number three. What am I supposed to do, NOT buy her a 30 dollar record? I feel like I need to stay fresh in her mind just in case she develops post-partum depression and needs a fallback.
  5. A different record to be named later, because I have not purchased it yet.
    But when you know someone who loves music like you, you ride that wave.
  6. A Jane Austen mug and stationery set
    This is for my ex-wife, who definitely belongs on this list. She loves mugs, Jane Austen, and anyone but me.
  7. A gigantic lot of discarded family photographs
    $15 at an antique store bought me what looks like generations of priceless photographs from the early to mid 1900s. We had looked at them, my (beautiful, hilarious, married) editor and I, when we were both visiting our homeland, both of us commenting that they needed to be preserved as either historical artifacts or writing prompts, piecing together a fictional family via hundreds of photos. After she left town, I went back and bought them all.
  8. A gift subscription to some Facebook skin oil bullshit
    Bought from the object of the affection for another. Worlds are colliding here. I guess this cream makes your face all smooth and removes secret cutting scars. I dunno.
  9. A kitchen knife.
    For a friend's wife who loves cooking. Bought from her Wishlist only so I could write on the gift receipt, "Please do not murder my friend with this." She's nice and has great taste in music, but I'm not about to go visit no women's jail. I'm not desperate here...