In Which I Worry That I Have Early Onset Colon Cancer

Probably shouldn't post this, as it is only adding to my worry, but my life friends already think I'm a hypochondriac and don't want to hear it. I really did think I had scurvy that time, people.
  1. I have all the symptoms, according to WebMD
    When I put all of my symptoms in, it didn't even take me to a webpage, my printer just started printing informational leaflets titled "So You've Got The Colon Cancer Pretty Hard, Mate" (my fault for going to nz.webmd.com). My only saving grace was reading the words "'men 50 or older", but it's sunk in just now that I'm closer to that age (37) than I thought earlier. It's not out of the question.
  2. Undiagnosable Count Choculitis
    I have seriously been food-imbibing this for a month now, and as my previous list on this topic has suggested, I am eating it right from the box, focusing heavily on marshmallows. If these were miniature sandwiches, I'm eating the marshmallows like they're the bread part. WebMD does not take this into account, so perhaps this has something to do with my problems.
  3. Nervous Stomach Overdrive
    Ever since that guy threatened to beat me up for falling in love with his wife over ten years ago, I've had a pretty nervous stomach. Thinking about what these informational leaflets said is not helping. I can't tell if this is actual sick or worry sick.
  4. Ex-Lax
    I have been symptomatic for a while now (too long, my stomach says), but I did eat some Ex-Lax when I was out of chocolate the other day. This was one day before Halloween. Nothing happened as a result, so yesterday I took some more (all that was left of the Halloween candy were sour lollipops and Nerds; thanks but no thanks, horrible Halloween candy givers). Now I can't tell if it is the Ex-Lax giving me this stomach feeling or what these leaflets have informed me is the cancer.
  5. Have I mentioned that I already have a loud stomach?
    I work in a silent office, so any noise coming from my stomach feels like it's amplified like I have a Hollywood Bowl shell around it. This leads to more worry, more stress, and I've taken to making lots of diversionary noise when I can feel the devil sounds coming on. There's only so many times you can break a coffee mug and say, "Aw, god DAMN it," though. Could this worry be giving me a false positive, I wonder? According to these leaflets, the answer is no. Something is wrong.
  6. I've lost almost 30 pounds since July.
    Which was deliberate, or was this all a coincidence?? Because I live alone moshtly, I had been eating way too much the past few years. The stomach noises were becoming noticeable at work, so I assumed it was because I was eating too much and sitting too much. I was also edging nearer 200 lbs, and that would not do. Just after I lost the initial 17 lbs, a pediatrician I met on a dating website and was not as nice as she looked told me "I don't date dad bods," so I kept on losing. At 165 now.
  7. I can't Jim Henson this.
    I remember being so mad at Jim Henson for not going to the doctor sooner, when I'm doing the same thing, only for different reasons. Thinking about the bureaucratic hurdles involved with illnesses of this nature, where you have to go to your doctor to get the referral, then wait for another appointment to open up, then go to that doctor, then schedule the test, then schedule the surgery, all on different dates, makes me not even want to bother. And then the needlessly complicated billing....
  8. I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
    When Cameron was in Egyptland...