My Actual match.com Dating Profile, 2011-2014

Modified only after a date told me she was so scared to meet me that her dad and brother were sitting at a nearby table (dad waved, brother didn't).
  1. Originally from Pennsylvania, a brief stop in Los Angeles resulted in marriage, and a move to North Carolina ended in divorce. It can't get much worse if I just stay still for a while, right? Right? Guys?
  2. WHO I'M LOOKING FOR
    NOT IN A SCARY WAY. THESE AREN'T EVEN MY BINOCULARS. I'M RETURNING THEM. FOR A FRIEND. WE HAVE THE SAME INITIALS AND PHILOSOPHIES ABOUT PROPERTY RIGHTS.
  3. She has goals, but not the kind of goals that involve the word "zipline." The type of girl who will be able to eat an apple while wearing a yellow skirt and not have it look like I've paid her to do it.
  4. She's nice, loves kids (Well, my kid; you can hate all other kids if you want.).
  5. Knows how to fix a dishwasher from the 1950s.
  6. Believes in me, even when my ideas seem wild and somewhat dangerous to my emotional health.
  7. Being a Steelers fan isn't required, but understanding my pain when they lose and my sense of personal triumph when they win is important (no matter who they beat and how involved I wasn't in their victory).
  8. Glasses are great, but not the giant, non-prescription nerd glasses that look like the ones that used to get me beat up in high school (forced pacifism by way of no strength), but are now suddenly sexy as hell. But if you have them, I mean, you can still come over.
  9. During the week, it will be rough as far as when we can see each other, given that our work and commuting schedules will never seem to align, to the point where your co-workers will grow tired of your promises that I am both good with my hands (said with a raised eyebrow) and actually a person who exists at all.
  10. Weekends are about the only time we'd really get to connect, so we need to make them count, do things that promote the forgotten romance in one-on-one interaction.
    Looking through a musty old book store is always sexy, but we could do something crafty, like constructing 1/40th scale models of the sites of famous railroad disasters (kidding), or maybe play a game I've made up called "How Many Paul McCartney Albums Can I Chronologically Name Before You Leave Forever" (sadly, not kidding).
  11. My ex-wife isn't crazy, but she isn't particularly nice. In her defense, she seems nice enough to everyone who is not me or a phone company employee, but as we'll be staying away from her, this will likely not be an issue.
    Though if we would happen to see her out in public, maybe pepper our conversation with casual but loud mentions of Verizon employees you've threatened.
  12. If things do go well and we go back to my place, please pay no attention to the fact that I have what one date referred to as "a terrifying amount of twist ties."
    They are for an art project, but please do not ask me what the art project is, or what I might call it when it is complete.
  13. I have no problem with someone who works, comes home, and then falls asleep on the couch with me.
    My couch is like a warm, syrupy hug from a wise old black woman, so you're going to fall asleep if you sit there.
  14. No secret cutters.
    No public cutters, either.
  15. Murderers accepted, but not preferred.
  16. UPDATE: NO MURDERERS
  17. More than anything, my ideal woman would fit in any era after the ones where stoning was legal. Specifically, though, the 1940s. I would want your picture on the controls of my biplane while I was going down in flames.
    Even though it was your fault for talking me into hiring your brother, a horse's ass who knows nothing of aircraft from the World War II era, to be my mechanic.
  18. Bottom line: I just want to make you laugh. I might overdo it a bit the first time or couple times. Five years from now, after we met up those one or two times, you'll think back and say to yourself, "Oh! I GET that guy now." Maybe you'll look me up, maybe you won't. You'll wonder, "Will he even remember me? That was years ago."
    Of course I'll remember you. Who could forget you? Will I still be single when you come to this realization? More than likely.