With all possible thanks to @lillie_dodd (who truly went above and beyond) and @ChrisK (the mastermind).
  1. β€’
    Looks like any old box. I had actually forgotten about the fact that I would also be getting something, so stressed I was about the making (and making and making) of my own Secret Santa gifts for someone else. Because that's what the season is truly about, after all.
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    Let's see what's in here!
    Hey, you're in Philly? I'm from Altoona originally! πŸ’? No? OK, that's cool. That's cool. Hang on, let me dive into this box.
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    Oh hey, check this out! Brain Food, but it's actually a chocolate brain! It actually took me a full minute before I realized this. I might have to forgo my usual rule against anything but flat chocolate! My office mates were quite taken with this and it will be on display until it is eaten by me and me alone.
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    Nice! Charlie Brown socks! I've been a gigantic Peanuts fan since I learned to read, so these are perfect!
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    Ocean's Twelve on Blu-ray! I already have this, but I do talk about it a lot, as I think it is highly underrated.
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    Whoa! Sealed Bobby B on vinyl!
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    Did you hear my terrible best man speech from 2009 on YouTube, in which I detailed my chance encounter with Bobby Brown on an airplane. I asked him if he had any advice for my brother, as I was traveling to his wedding, and he deadpanned, "Don't get married to Whitney Houston." Finally, the truth about Roni!
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    This is already far too much, Lillie! Just signing your great name to a card would have been plenty, really.
    But wait, there's more?
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    Lillie, Lillie, Lillie! You seriously are going for the gold here, aren't you? This is a pretty cool gift!
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    How could there possibly be more?
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    This will go great with the TV! Should I take 'er for a test drive with Ocean's Twelve???
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    Your unsolicited screenplay for Used People II !!!!
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    This is actually really good, Lillie. It's sad, yeah, but funny so far, with just a touch of spice and mystery in the air! Can't wait to read the rest on the bus tomorrow! Thank you for your trust as well. I'll pass it on to my uncle's kid from his remarriage - with your blessing, of course. He's an editor or something, I can't remember.
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    I appreciate a woman who says to hell with the PC Police! It's just a Star Wars movie, you know? It was a character choice!
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    Brochure for a luxury time share! Am I going there??? Is that what the beach towel is for? Lillie, your note was unclear!
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    Do I take this to a theater near me? Someone is going to find out!!!! Lillieeeee
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    A check for 50 dollars!
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    Lillie, honestly, this is too much. This is like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition level nice.
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    I think that's it. Empty box. Wow, though. Wow. I mean, kudos to you.
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    An autographed copy of The Catcher In The Rye!!!!!!!!! How did you even GET that??????????? Sucks there's no cover, but holy shit!!!!!! Lillieeeeeeeeeeeeee
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  20. β€’
    There's also an electric bill in the box. It's past due. Do you want me to pay this for you, Lillie? I mean, it's the least I could do.
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    Really good job on the Secret Santa-ing, Lillie!!!!!!!!