Phone Call With My Best Friend, David Hasselhoff

He calls at all hours of the night, having no concept of time zones.
  1. ME
    (into phone) Hello?
  2. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    Shaun, it's David.
  3. ME
    David?
  4. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    It's Hasselhoff, Shaun!
  5. ME
    Hoff, man, what time is it?
  6. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    Early for you, about mid-morning for me. Listen, I just had the strangest dream.
  7. ME
    You? Wait until I tell you, you just woke me from---
  8. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    I was at my own concert, Shaun. My own concert!
  9. ME
    David--
  10. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    I think it was the Tempodrom, but everything was happening so fast, I can't be sure.
  11. ME
    David, I think we--
  12. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    But wait, listen. I was at my own concert, but I was watching myself. I saw myself on stage, and the me on stage was checking himself out. You know, on the Jumbotron. I was watching myself watching myself. Shaun, it was great!
  13. ME
    David--
  14. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    Then I look next to me, realizing, you know, I'm my own fan, and I'm sitting next to this homely librarian. Only in the dream she's hot to me. I mean, she's stacked! But like tits, not like a stack of books. You with me?
  15. ME
    You have no idea.
  16. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    I lean over to her and say, "You want The Hoff on stage, or do you want Hoff on top?" You could tell she was torn, Shaun, you know I'm a showman up there. But I insisted. This was going to be the time of her life!
  17. ME
    Yeah, I know where this is going, do we have to?
  18. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    Boy do we ever! Man, she was so homely. But so hot in the dream. She had on the big shoes, real clunky shoes. Thick glasses. Blind as a bat, that one, but she was a tiger. Or is it tigress? Hey, I don't know. But listen, here's why I'm calling. We're foolin' around, we're under the bleachers. I'm singing along to the me on stage. Mind blowing. I've actually never felt so free. But then, she says it. Are you ready for it?
  19. ME
    If you must.
  20. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    Yeah, man, that's it! How did you know? But that's not all she said! She said, "If you must, Shaun." I was YOU in the dream! You were at my concert gettin' handsy with this hot homely chick!
  21. ME
    Yeah, David, I know.
  22. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    What you mean?
  23. ME
    I had the same dream, obviously. I've been trying to tell you.
  24. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    Oh man, that is crazy! Were you me then? Could you see yourself out in the audience, rockin' it? I sounded fantastic up there, man. You were really fantastic. The crowd was LOVIN' you, man, lovin' it! Were you me? Were you?
  25. ME
    No, I wasn't you.
  26. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    Where were you in the dream??
  27. ME
    Under the bleachers.
  28. DAVID HASSELHOFF
    Oh yeah?
  29. ME
    Under the bleachers, having sex with myself.