Sex Tapes I'd Like to See

  1. All of them.
  2. Seriously, that can't be weird that I totally want to see everyone's sex tapes. Is it too late to make that my Secret Santa thing?
    Goddamnit, is it too late?
  3. When I was a teenager, I borrowed a friend's VHS dub of Annie Hall/Shattered/Red Heat, and discovered my first sex tape tucked at the end of Red Heat's Prokofiev-cribbing credits.
    It was his aunt, whose cable dubs I had borrowed, and a hairy man I imagine was his uncle, though I never met the man to verify. The lighting was orangey red, like looking at a picture taken of you from 1981, or a poorly-preserved TV commercial for beer or Big Red from that same era. The sex was pretty gross, neither participant on the level of say, a Pam or Tommy Lee. It became a big joke amongst me, him and another mutual friend, but I never spread the video around, because of the grossness.
  4. It was a turn-off at 15, but once the Pam & Tommy Lee tape came out a few years later, I had "matured" enough to embrace the idea.
    It was around this era that I started breaking into people's safes. 9 times out of 10, I'd visit a friend's house, find their parents' safe, and the safes would just be full of priceless rubies and stacks of Civil War coins, sometimes a thick envelope marked with the name of a city councilman. Once I even found a gun. But man, that one time, I'd get lucky, find a treasure trove of Polaroids or an honest to God 8mm sex tape. I could never play the recording, and it was a bitch to roll back up.
  5. So anyway, it's not gross or wholly masturbatory.
    Not even a fetish. I'm just curious like a cat. I guess that's why my friends call me Whiskers!!! - (H. Caray)
  6. Just send me the sex tapes, or invite me over to your house and ignore all the drilling sounds coming from upstairs or at the end of the hall after I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.
  7. You know how to contact me.
    And Merry Christmas.