Things to Never Say on a First Date

[from 11/18/2011]
  1. "Is it all right if I bring my grandmother's wedding ring?"
  2. "Why am I setting up this camera? I'm going to film you eating, obviously."
  3. "A friend of mine wants to come along. He just got out of juvey so he won't try to steal your bike or anything. But...try not to bring your bike, or talk about what kind of bike you have."
  4. Let's go find a seat by the ball pit."
  5. "I brought six different sizes of condoms depending on how excited you made me later."
  6. "Yeah, I usually get haircuts from my mom while we're at the movies. It's like a surprise for all three of us!"
  7. "Did you see that guy over there, with the vest? JESUS."
  8. "Hang on, I need to read some Old Testament passages to you before we say goodnight."
  9. "Did you steal my Bible when I was going to the bathroom behind that guy's house?"