Wedding Pictures That Look Ridiculous After Their Inevitable Divorce 19 Months Later
Feel free to add your own. Wedding pictures are ridiculous.
- •The down on bended knee pictureNo one believes this is how it happened. We know you met while working at Sheetz. And yet, no pictures the two of you both pushing the HOAGIE button on the microwave.
- •Any recreation of the movie poster to Bed Of RosesNobody even remembers that movie, but wedding announcement photographers sure do!!!!!!!!!!
- •Extreme close-up of toes in the sandFeet are already gross as hell, what were you doing? Before you decide to take pictures like this, think about how much time the photographer will have to spend in Photoshop, digitally erasing the corns on your twisted, overlapping hippie toes. Right? Gross.
- •Gazing longingly into each other's eyesI think The Onion had a joke about this already, but ughhhhhh.
- •Dog wearing a bow tie playfully jumping on groomLess than two years later, this is visual proof that Barkley just did not like that guy.
- •Extreme close-ups of either bride or groomSo close that you can see the open pores in their forehead and the existential dread in their eyes. There is no reason to showcase the Tommy Lee Jones quality of your groom's face...until you get divorced. Then you can look at the picture and say, "I don't care!" or some other such TLJ phrase.
- •Kiss the bride pictureCalm down, there will be cake later.
- •Bride and groom raising their arms in victory, post-pronouncementThe bride always is way too into this part, and the man does the half-staff arm, like, "Yay, woo." Later, the jilted wife will look to this picture as proof he never loved her.
- •Nervous shot of them at head table while drug-addled brother gives incoherent toastThis, more than any other picture, with the both of them looking like "Wrap it up, Mike, please, goddammit do not ruin this, not again" is the most true-to-life of all wedding pictures, and the one Dateline would use over and over, switching into negative vision, should things end...badly for the two of them.
- •A sensual first dance pose, copied from the Dirty Dancing poster.If you look close enough, you can see that her hungry eyes were for the DJ. You knew there was something going on with them from high school. Also of note: in their 70-minute wedding video, which takes at least three minutes of its running time to talk to us about orphans we should be donating to in lieu of gifts (too late, it's a toaster for you), we see that their first dance was set to "The First Time It Happens" from The Great Muppet Caper.