1. My parents enjoy their lives for the last time until I leave for college. Also, I get a Playskool push car!
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  2. The Berlin Wall falls, but I'm too busy shitting in the bathtub to notice.
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  3. I tried to make a parachute out of a blanket. Didn't work, though I'm glad I survived the fall from the porch.
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  4. My parents buy me a bunch of Power Ranger dolls in France. That is my fondest memory of France.
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  5. I watch Jurassic Park eight times in theaters. Shit's tight.
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  6. I get to pet the dolphin at the Baltimore Aquarium on my birthday, and then immediately learn what a dolphin's erection looks like.
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  7. I move to Philadelphia, beginning my lifelong love affair with intensive psychotherapy and mood-stabilizing pharmaceuticals.
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  8. My parents send me to Quaker school. This continues until I'm 18.
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  9. I get the first of three concussions at school. Which is ironic, since they banned football in 1985.
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  10. I go to summer camp and learn the many ways one can hide a pissed-in sleeping bag for 7 weeks.
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  11. First kiss while watching "Big Momma's House." (This isn't a joke. This actually happened. It was fucking terrible.)
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  12. Pubes! Pubes everywhere!
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  13. I kick a mid-field soccer goal during a birthday pickup game. It will be the greatest sporting achievement of my life.
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  14. 8th grade is a garbage fire.
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  15. I play "Enter the Matrix" and get to third base with my high school girlfriend. One of my better birthdays.
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  16. I learn that you should never smoke a bunch of weed before building your own computer the hard way after the power supply catches on fire.
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  17. Did you know you could buy all the porn you wanted if you convinced the attendant at the video store that you were 18 but lost your ID? Pro Tip.
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  18. I leave/get banished from Philadelphia after hot boxing a family member's car and eating an entire baking sheet of my grandmother's brownies.
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  19. I got a tie, and then I went to Denver. Not great.
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  20. I had an honest-to-God Bar Mitzvah at my apartment in Boston. Best party of my life.
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  21. Taught my grandmother how to play beer pong.
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  22. Reenacted "Titanic" in a bounce house.
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  23. I lost my watch 10 minutes into the party and didn't shut up about it for 6 hours.
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  24. I unironically requested a DJ play "Bangarang." I stop producing Reality TV soon after
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  25. Watched as my friends got pegged in the dick during a game of trampoline dodgeball against a group of 4th graders.
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  26. Did you know parents will give you incredibly dirty looks of you and 30 of your drunkest friends show up to play Laser Tag at 6 on a Saturday?
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  27. Karaoke devolves into a slap fight, but I do a great cover of Brian McKnight's "Back At One." Then I go to the Jurassic World premiere.
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  28. We'll just have to see, won't we?
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