28 Memories For My 28th Birthday, and Also Unrelated Stock Photos Of People Doing Business Shit

  1. 1.
    My parents enjoy their lives for the last time until I leave for college. Also, I get a Playskool push car!
  2. 2.
    The Berlin Wall falls, but I'm too busy shitting in the bathtub to notice.
  3. 3.
    I tried to make a parachute out of a blanket. Didn't work, though I'm glad I survived the fall from the porch.
  4. 4.
    My parents buy me a bunch of Power Ranger dolls in France. That is my fondest memory of France.
  5. 5.
    I watch Jurassic Park eight times in theaters. Shit's tight.
  6. 6.
    I get to pet the dolphin at the Baltimore Aquarium on my birthday, and then immediately learn what a dolphin's erection looks like.
  7. 7.
    I move to Philadelphia, beginning my lifelong love affair with intensive psychotherapy and mood-stabilizing pharmaceuticals.
  8. 8.
    My parents send me to Quaker school. This continues until I'm 18.
  9. 9.
    I get the first of three concussions at school. Which is ironic, since they banned football in 1985.
  10. 10.
    I go to summer camp and learn the many ways one can hide a pissed-in sleeping bag for 7 weeks.
  11. 11.
    First kiss while watching "Big Momma's House." (This isn't a joke. This actually happened. It was fucking terrible.)
  12. 12.
    Pubes! Pubes everywhere!
  13. 13.
    I kick a mid-field soccer goal during a birthday pickup game. It will be the greatest sporting achievement of my life.
  14. 14.
    8th grade is a garbage fire.
  15. 15.
    I play "Enter the Matrix" and get to third base with my high school girlfriend. One of my better birthdays.
  16. 16.
    I learn that you should never smoke a bunch of weed before building your own computer the hard way after the power supply catches on fire.
  17. 17.
    Did you know you could buy all the porn you wanted if you convinced the attendant at the video store that you were 18 but lost your ID? Pro Tip.
  18. 18.
    I leave/get banished from Philadelphia after hot boxing a family member's car and eating an entire baking sheet of my grandmother's brownies.
  19. 19.
    I got a tie, and then I went to Denver. Not great.
  20. 20.
    I had an honest-to-God Bar Mitzvah at my apartment in Boston. Best party of my life.
  21. 21.
    Taught my grandmother how to play beer pong.
  22. 22.
    Reenacted "Titanic" in a bounce house.
  23. 23.
    I lost my watch 10 minutes into the party and didn't shut up about it for 6 hours.
  24. 24.
    I unironically requested a DJ play "Bangarang." I stop producing Reality TV soon after
  25. 25.
    Watched as my friends got pegged in the dick during a game of trampoline dodgeball against a group of 4th graders.
  26. 26.
    Did you know parents will give you incredibly dirty looks of you and 30 of your drunkest friends show up to play Laser Tag at 6 on a Saturday?
  27. 27.
    Karaoke devolves into a slap fight, but I do a great cover of Brian McKnight's "Back At One." Then I go to the Jurassic World premiere.
  28. 28.
    We'll just have to see, won't we?