8 Basic College Tips

Inspired by @billnye
  1. 1.
    On the first day of class, go up to the biggest, meanest person at your college and hit them with a sock full of quarters. You are the king of college now.
  2. 2.
    The common room is a great place to have sex in front of disinterested strangers.
  3. 3.
    How many meals can be made using only Ramen Noodles, water, and gumption? The answer is one.
  4. 4.
    If your RA catches you drinking, bribe your way out of it by promising them a summer job at your dad's fish cannery.
  5. 5.
    If you're at risk of failing a class due to skipping too many sessions, tell your professor that you're mourning the loss of the cast of "The Wonder Years." To make your pain authentic, murder the cast of "The Wonder Years."
  6. 6.
    Sometimes, the best college for you is the one you don't notice until it takes off it's glasses.
  7. 7.
    Don't bring in drunk people off the street to form a "Fight Club" in the dorm elevator.
    Editor's Note: This actually happened at my college. It's not a joke. Please do not do it.
  8. 8.
    Remember: this is the last time you can act like a drunken, selfish, spoiled asshole with absolutely no consequences. Act accordingly.