Advice for Breakups

  1. If you break up but are still on the same lease, saw your house in half so you each get an equal piece.
  2. Avoid feeling lonely by taking up a fun, wholesome hobby, like hiking or morphine addiction.
  3. Literally chase your blues away by running naked past a pack of hungry wolves. You'll be too scared to remember why you're sad!
  4. Eat your body weight in blueberry donuts, just like you used to do every day before you started dating.
  5. Bang their hot cousin.
  6. Fill their leftover clothes with a pillow, start introducing your friends to your new pillow partner.
  7. Adopt a pet dog, name it after your ex, then slowly revert to the same behavior that drove your ex away from you in the first place.
  8. Remember that, no matter how bad it feels, at least you'll never feel as bad as Eddie Murphy after he lost his Oscar.